Tip Jar

Change is Good

Tip Jar


  • VETTING MEN 101 Newsletter CLICK! Includes 4 PODCASTS. Get 1 issue or get all 12!

BOOK 3--CLICK!


Interracial & Intercultural Marriage BK 2: CLICK!

cs

  • Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

BWIC

Black Female Interracial Marriage Sections

« Pondering: Black Teens View of Black Marriage | Main | PONDERING: Domestic Violence Against Wealthy Black Married Women »

December 08, 2008

Comments

Feed You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.

lisa99

I'd previously read the CNN "magical thinking" article and remembered how I shook my head at what she said. Sadly, that kind of thinking is all too common and I think many people in the black community -- even the well-meaning ones who believe in marriage -- have just accepted the party line. You know, the whole thing about it "not being your time," or "it's not God's will yet," or "it might not be God's will."

The crazy thing is, I know plenty of NON-religious people spouting that mess and it's clear they're just repeating harmful mantras like parrots because they've accepted this as normal.

What keeps me going is the fact that I note that no other race of women in this country seems to be subject to this idea of "God's will" to keep them single for life or single until their eggs dry up and they marry into their 40s. Other groups of women don't seem to be "timed" to wait so long for marriage... so don't tell me that God has a different will or different timing for black women than every other woman in the universe. Come on!

When I read that article, however, I did see some traps I might have fallen into that this woman does. I need to stop planning for a life alone and stop doing things to keep up a busy single life, and instead do things that encourage the finding of a partner.

Meena

The article about the abuse findings in black women from 4-year colleges really does scare me. I honestly don't know what would cause this? I myself am attending a 4-year college and I simply don't understand why black women of this caliber would be more likely to get sexually abused. This is a shock because I have always thought the opposite was true. I went to read the rest of the article that hinted at the reason being men behaving irrate because women are now filling their traditional "male" roles. But, honestly when it comes to black women, I believe this has been happening for some time now? Why would black men just up and start acting crazy over gender roles being taken from them when it seems to my eyes, they are glad to be exempt from fulfilling those roles. I think I will try to make some sense of this article with time, but for now I am in utter confusion.

felicia

Meena,

Date and mate OUT and you won't even have to waste your brain cells trying to figure abusive "brothas" out.

Seriously.

I was thinking the exact same thing you are. When have black women NOT had to fill traditional "male" roles because of necessity back in the day, and in modern times because most BM outright REFUSE to fill this role. Even when they can.

Again, the answer to the riddle is these abusive, insecure, and jealous BM that these college educated sistas are wasting their time with are DAMAGED BEYOND REPAIR.

That's the answer.

I know that may be hard to accept because logical people like yourself, myself, and others naturally look for REASONS (that can be found and therefore lead to the correction of abnormal tendencies) behind behavior.

But sometimes folks simply act illogically for NO conceivable reason at all. It's called irreparable DAMAGE and they need to be written off and avoided.

Beverly

OMG! Wow! That's all I can say. That is soooo scary. I just sent my friend a link to this site. I had been talking to her about interracial marriage for awhile; but after 4 years she is now finally taking the plunge. I'm so happy for her. She's in her late 40's and has missed out on having the kids she wanted; but at least she can now find a life partner. She's also educated and doing well for herself like these women who were abused. You're right, we have to be aware and take action that will benefit us. I'm glad you told us about this, I didn't know that this was happening to educated women.

TruthBeTold

As a brotha pls don't read too much into this. For one the study uses white women (as usual) as the standard bearer for all things normal.

that being said the study is interesting but lets peel back the layers to gauge what takeaways there are from this. one, studies like these rely very heavily on self reporting data: police reports, ER visits, therapy sessions, etc.).

now what does this mean...i would speculate that educated white women may have more to lose by reporting abuse, because it would call into question the character of the male abuser. Also attempts to report WM abuse would result in loss of finances, house/apt, status etc. This trend of under reporting is extremely prevalent in high-income well educated households.

conversely educated black women typically from working class backgrounds, are in a sense "liberated" (based on educational accomplishment) mentally from predefined social norms and may eagerly embrace a pro-feminist stance and actively engage in reporting abuse w/out any regard for social conventions or possible loss.

so i would argue that abuse is common for wf and bf, but how frequently is reported is really the issue.

also on an unrelated note. why are ppl of color so convinced that education and money somehow frees one from the ugliness of life.

Peace

Evia

As a brotha pls don't read too much into this. For one the study uses white women (as usual) as the standard bearer for all things normal.


Don't you realize that you're sounding like an excuse-maker? This is why lots of bw discount and don't value what bm say because instead of condemning abuse, you're trying to make bw think that it's not really happening or as much. Or that it's common and ordinary. Or normal. Abuse is NOT normal and doesn't happen if a bw chooses a QUALITY man. A woman can greatly lower the chances of being abused if she does that.

And WHY would it matter that you're a "brotha?"


And re sexual abuse among bw, just about every bw I know or have ever discussed the issue of sexual abuse with, 4 of 5 of them have been either outright sexually abused (penetration with a body part or an object) or inappropriately touched and in 99% of the cases, it was a bm who did it.

Re: WW being the 'standard bearer' women that ALL other women are measured against, that's irrelevant here and it's easy for you to just toss it off like that. Abuse is a VERY personal and traumatizing experience for a bw or ANY woman. You're interpreting this as a stat, but each of us interprets it as PAIN on an emotional AND physical level because this is talking about the great likelihood of any of us being abused if we're with the wrong man. And the wrong man for these bw is a bm. You're a male and you don't have to even be concerned about that in a typical relationship with a woman, whereas practically every bw has to wonder about whether it could happen to her.

that being said the study is interesting

'Interesting' is such a cold and 'nothing' word in this context. It connotes no emotion, no sympathy or empathy.

but lets peel back the layers to gauge what takeaways there are from this. one, studies like these rely very heavily on self reporting data: police reports, ER visits, therapy sessions, etc.).

And based on what I KNOW, lots of bw who are abused by bm do NOT report abuse because the woman can end up getting blamed or she doesn't want another po bm to be locked up by 'de evil wm.' For ex. a bm at my church handed a bw a very graphic, pornographic note about all the things he wanted to do to certain parts of her body with his tongue and genitalia. He stuck the note in her hand as she passed his pew IN CHURCH.

If this had happened to me, I would have felt sexually violated. It was so base and disrespectul as if she was just a 'thing' for him to use for sex. Anyway, when the minister was told about this, his knee-jerk reaction was to blame the woman!! He said she must have done something to cause the man to do that. SMH She didn't even report it to the minister; a friend of hers did.

Lots of bw KNOW they're going to be blamed by black folks almost always if there's any thing foul between her and any bm. So I certainly can understand why lower income bw especially don't report abuse hardly at all. I know many of these women in the bc near me who're being beaten and they don't report it. It's SO common there.

now what does this mean...i would speculate that educated white women may have more to lose by reporting abuse, because it would call into question the character of the male abuser. Also attempts to report WM abuse would result in loss of finances, house/apt, status etc. This trend of under reporting is extremely prevalent in high-income well educated households.

Speculate?

conversely educated black women typically from working class backgrounds, are in a sense "liberated" (based on educational accomplishment) mentally from predefined social norms and may eagerly embrace a pro-feminist stance and actively engage in reporting abuse w/out any regard for social conventions or possible loss.

'Pre-defined social mores'? I have a white girlfriend who explained to me in great detail just how those predefined social mores suffocated her mother. My girlfriend decided she'd never be in her mom's position so she got her doctorate degree and has a highpaying job. She has CHOICES; her mom didn't.

And liberated? I know you don't think that most AA women on ANY level are mentally liberated. AA women are so much in bondage on every socioeconomic level. They take so much crap off bm who aren't even on their levels and off the black "community" and neither of these ever really reciprocate. But it doesn't matter what level a man is on, he should never touch a woman. Sounds like you don't like 'pro-feminist" bw! I guess that in your mind, this means that if my husband were to beat me, I'd have to be a 'pro-feminist' to report it? LOL!!! It's a crime for him to assault me, so I should report the crime and I don't have to be a 'pro-feminist' to do that. That's just common sense to me. It would be a knee-jerk reaction for me to call the police as fast as I could and I would want him incarcerated.

so i would argue that abuse is common for wf and bf, but how frequently is reported is really the issue.

When I was a girl down south, I had a very violent uncle who used to beat his wife every weekend. He would drink moonshine and his brain would be cooked by the time he got home from work on Fridays. I used to hear her and all the kids screaming over there and I vowed it would never happen to me. But there are many women who witness abuse and they grow up to become victims of it. Some of them think it's normal to take a beating every week from a bm because he's mad at white folks but is scared to confront whites, or he feels inadequate, insecure, or like a falilure so he takes it out on his black wife or girlfriend. That makes him feel like a MAN, which is a feeling that he never achieves.

also on an unrelated note. why are ppl of color so convinced that education and money somehow frees one from the ugliness of life.

I think that obviously many people think this--not just people of color. This is why so many people (not just people of color) want money. Money provides CHOICES or the option of getting away from many ugly aspects of life, if one chooses to do so. For ex. Juanita Bynum had the option of leaving her husband, but my aunt didn't because she was a very poor bw. Eventually my uncle knocked one of her eyes out of its socket and she almost lost the eye entirely, but she still stayed with him. Guess she wasn't one of those 'pro-feminist' bw. And education (if it's the right type) definitely gives a person many advantages or choices. I could never have done barely anything I've accomplished if I hadn't the money nor the education that I have.

lormarie

Are you the same TruthBeTold from the blogs that bash black women and IR blogs? If so, why are you asking us to "dig deeper" into the stats when you and the others don't do that yourselves (with the stats you bring up?) Should we carefully analyze stats or not?

Btw, this post was both enlightening and shocking. Especially this:

"She found that black women with a four-year college degree or more were 145 times more likely to experience sexual or other abuse than women with less than a high school education. Conversely, white women with higher incomes, or who had a college degree, were less like to be physically abused."

I wonder if it is because such women limit their dating pool to black men only. When they cannot find a suitable black man, they choose any even if he's toxic. All for the sake of having a black man.

jamesjonesy

Thats right! Don't be afraid to speak your mind. This is the 21st century, right?

prttygurl

It doesnt matter if your black or white as long a your happy..Did anyone learn anything from Michael Jackson...GOSH People!!!!

The comments to this entry are closed.