Lorraine's Corner

Ami and Yuan

When working in her business at Ami Creations, Ami can be found retouching, restoring or even digitally reimaging photos.  She is really in her element as a professional makeup artist/ hair stylist preparing makeup and hair for brides and bridesmaids, or even designing graphics for the wedding. 

When Ami and hubby can relax at home, life these days is pretty low key.  Transplanted from New York and China respectively, they enjoy a quiet life in Oklahoma with their miniature dachshund.  They've been living there comfortably for quite some time now; and being an interracial couple is not a key topic in their daily lives.  Ami and Yuan are prime examples of how online dating can work and result in a successful marriage.  Ami and I had a discussion about her life and marriage.  Ami's website is  www.amicreations.com

 

What is your husband's ethnicity?

Northern Chinese

How did you meet?

Online

And how long had you known him when you got married?

 2 years

When were you married?

 May 21, 2006

 Was this your first interracial relationship?

 No

How did you feel about interracial marriage and relationships before you were in one?

 I grew up in a heavily diverse environment and have always been open to interracial relationships and marriage.

 Do you feel any different about interracial marriage and relationships now? 

 No.  I feel as I've always felt, however we both bring so much to the table and learn so much from one another, we are soul mates.  I have been in interracial relationships where I've been viewed more as an object rather than a partner, my husband and I have the fulfilling relationship that was lacking with the others in my past. 

What about the Asian, specifically Chinese aspect? 

I love the Chinese culture, some aspects can be challenging, and we have had minor culture clashes, but that is where communication and willingness to compromise comes into play. 

Did you ever or do you now face skeptics and criticism from friends and/or family about your interracial marriage?

 Not at all, they all love him and are very supportive.

 Do you recall how you first informed your friends and family of your interracial relationship and subsequent marriage?

 Oh, they know me.  They were just shocked that this one was Asian is all.  One close friend was not very happy about it, she showed a prejudice that I didn't like, so needless to say we are no longer close.

 What about your husband's family?   

No, they have been very supportive. 

Did you or he face any criticism from them?

At first his grandmother was put off, wanted to find him a Chinese woman, but after they learned more about me and saw more photos (they are all in China) they were put at ease.  Now they are looking for grand and great grand kids  --- go figure!

Have you ever felt pressure or experienced a significant difference between your non interracial and interracial relationships?  

Yes, there are cultural differences that are apparent, however not so much when the person is American born.  My husband is foreign born, so there is a drastic difference, he holds a lot of traditional Chinese values and ways about doing things.  I love it and feel that I've lucked out with such a man.  

Yuan and I learn so much from one another.  We enrich each other's lives in so many ways and motivate and inspire one another in such profound ways.  We have grown so much as a couple and it's nice to reflect on all of what we have been through together and what we've taken away from each challenge.   We have a true partnership and we both consider ourselves blessed to have each other.  As well, we have supportive families behind us!  Some people search a lifetime to find what we have.  We continue to count our blessings and never take each other for granted.  Marriage takes work and we are both selfless people.  Yuan and I never see anything much as "I" but "We"  and that is a big part of what makes our relationship work to be a happy and content one.  We have a willingness to sacrifice and compromise where it's needed. 

Do you feel that there are societal criticisms and pressures concerning interracial relationships from both the blacks and Chinese? 

 In general yes, and those are because of stereotypical ideas of the two races; and the fact that there is not much interaction between the two.  For Yuan and I, those factors don't play too much of a role, because we don't going around making it an issue or focusing on the fact that we are an interracial couple.  People react to the way you react to them, and what type of energy you give off.  If you appear to be uncomfortable, that will make them uncomfortable.  We are comfortable everywhere we go and that makes those around us feel the same and look past our skin color difference and more to what we are talking about and doing, which is normal.

Do you attribute this to negative images of Asians in general in the black community? 

Unfortunately, the negative stereotypes of Asians in the black community come from a F.O.B. (fresh off the boat) image mentality.  My husband doesn't fit into any real Asian stereotype, so I like when people recognize that.  The first thing they see is that he is 6'4" and the next thing is that he speaks with a flawless American accent.  So those first impressions can really be helpful to change some of those closed minded perception that they may not have been able to help in prior times.

Do you have children?

Not yet, but planning.

Since you are planning on children, how do you think race will figure into child rearing for you and Yuan? 

 Because we understand that we don't yet live in a post racial era, we will need to have any children we have understand, be comfortable, and proud of who they are.  We will teach this as young children and prepare them for what they may possibly face on down the road.  They will understand that no one could define them but themselves. People will try and place labels on them, but we will teach our children how to stand up in the face of any racism!   We are not naive ---- thinking this will not be a factor --- that would be neglect and they could suffer an identity crisis as they grow up.  Although Yuan and I want our children to embrace and understand both races and cultures; we also want to instill that they are human beings first and foremost. 

 Because children, teenagers, and even adults can be so cruel, we want them to be strong to stand up in the face of any mean spiritedness, questions, discrimination they may face.  We will do our best to show them how to teach the ignorant person a thing or two about their judgments or prejudices and why it's irrelevant.  When ignorance goes unchallenged, people are able to get away with prejudices and they need to be confronted.    

What do you think your advice would be to them if and when they first experience it whether here or in China (or elsewhere)?

 I'd like to think that we will have our children embrace important aspects of both cultures and have them understand why that in itself is so much more than race.  When children have a good sense of self where they can be really proud, provides an indestructible foundation.  It will give them the courage to be educators, optimists, content, and productive citizens.  There will always be people to challenge their identity and even tell them that they look more of this or less of that.  This is when that strength of identity will factor in so that children don't succumb to societal or even peer pressure.  They can begin to create within themselves and simply fit in although they will still be "unique!"

 Where do you live? 

 Oklahoma

Do you think Oklahoma in general is a good place for interracial couples and families?

 Well, yes.  I look at the way Yuan and I are received and people for the most part are very warm and friendly.  If they have opinion, they keep it to themselves, because we have never been confronted.  When people look, they do just that and at times will even smile at us because they catch themselves or just find us "cool" or interesting.  Now, children may be different I don't know, but being that this is a mixed state of predominantly Indian/White and some Indian/black mix, I can't see people openly being so hypocritical, insensitive, or intolerant towards a different mix.  Maybe it will throw some kids off, but that is when proper manners and etiquette will help tremendously. 

What do you do for fun?

 When Yuan is not working on computers, and when I'm not on location or doing photo re imaging and restoration work, we both like to spend our time together.  We adore going to the park, movies, on scenic tours to look at fall foliage or winter snow, long road trips, or trying out new restaurants.  We are very simple, laid back people.  We are not a partying couple, so no drinking and smoking here, however I will have that occasional glass of wine with dinner every now and then.  We have just about everything in common, we are each other's best friend, kindred spirits, and we are pretty much joined at the hip where I think we are beginning to look alike.

Also, I have been learning Mandarin Chinese.  It is a difficult language to master, but I will benefit from it, especially for when we go to China to visit with family and friends.  I have class with a friend every Monday, and because she's been a teacher in Shanghai, it is very easy for her to teach me, and we both have lots of fun.  I imagine my lessons would be worse in China, possibly because of stricter lessons, so I'm taking as much advantage here as I can.

Do you have any suggestions for black women just entering interracial relationships?

 Know who you are and stay true to yourself.  There are some people who change their essence when they enter interracial relationships.   I find that mainly with those who seek out interracial relationships, just to be in one.  What is the purpose of being with a non black man just to be with a non black man?  Where is the substance?  Although I met my husband online, I didn't seek him out; we sort of found our way to one another.  You have to be natural, and be yourself and conduct yourself like you would in any other relationship or around your good friends.  When people are trying too hard to be something they are not or something they are unsure about, those things are discovered fast and you will leave the partner feeling cheated from who you really are. 

 If it's meant to be, your partner will accept you for YOU, flaws and all.  There may be some cultural clashes; but if those arise communicate and be willing to compromise.  You will do this if you truly love each other.  There is always a common ground, and always a way to relate to new issues that come up, but you have to be able to listen and give a sincere effort.

Thank you!

Caroline and Sean Bracy – Living and Loving Life at the Crossroads of America!

Caroline Bracy believes in living life and having fun and that she does along with husband Sean.  Born in France, Caroline Bracy grew up in a small predominately white town in upstate NY.   Because Caroline's family is so racially mixed, dating interracially was never an issue to Caroline and her sisters because they were acquainted mainly with white young men.   Caroline, a happy-go-lucky kind of lady, still maintains some of her European connections as she is Technical Training Course Developer for a global company based in England.  Caroline and hubby Sean have a family website here: 
http://www.geocities.com/blueworld1111/ 
 

What is your husband's ethnicity?
Sean is multi-racial (black and white background).  Because of his mannerisms and appearance, he is mistaken for white most of the time. 
 

How did you meet?
We met in a coffee/book store.  He was in town to meet another girl, and stopped in his favorite place, the Barnes and Noble where I was also browsing.  We struck up a conversation and he never kept his date with the girl he was in town to meet!!  At the time, I also was not looking to date white or black; the line isn't that sharp for me.  It's not a BM/WM issue with me, it's all about personality and connection with another person.
 

And how long had you known him when you got married?
Four years.   He lived in Maryland and I lived in Virginia.  For two years, we drove to each other's home on weekends.  
 

When were you married?
We have been happily married since the winter of 2004.
 

Was this your first interracial relationship?
No.  All my previous boyfriends and first husband were all white.  My ex was a blonde, blue eyed Norwegian.   
 

How did you feel about interracial marriage and relationships before you were in one?
Well, I have always been in inter-racial relationships.  In my small upstate NY town, my family, which is mixed anyway, was the only non-white family in town.  My sisters and I actually got much boy-attention from being just a little different.  I grew up feeling blacks and whites dated just as casually and normally as white-white and black-black.  I and my sisters were not really that exposed to the negativity that surrounds BW/WM relationships.

Do you feel any different about interracial marriage and relationships now?
Oh, yes.  I'm more aware now of the internal and external conflicts that arise within interracial relationships and marriages.  I found that some black men get a bad rap (valid or not valid) when they date non-black women.  People seem to see a man desperate to elevate himself above his blackness.  Not sure now if that was my father or not.  Of course this isn't always the case, but I have seen where it is.  I am however seeing more black women-white man relationships now days, which pleases me to no end. 

Whether it is because black women are tired of the lack of quality black men, or maybe they are finally realizing they do NOT have to doggedly stand by their black man only to be dumped once he finds a white woman (or some other reason). I'm glad to see black woman are stepping out of their comfort zones.  Maybe they are just realizing they do have a choice, they can follow their hearts and not be afraid to be so-called traitors or sellouts.  Why do they feel they need to find a "good black man?"   Why don't they look for a GOOD MAN?   Women of other races don't have this problem!  Either way, I always feel good when I see a black woman with a white man.  In my eyes, that white man sees beauty in this woman where the media and some black men have failed.  Where black men straighten their ties when a white woman walks by, the white man holds out his arm for the black woman to take.  This is how I see it, and I love it!
 

Did you ever or do you now face skeptics and criticism from friends and/or family about your interracial marriage?
 My point of view is a little different here.  My husband is so light he is always mistaken as white, and I look like I'm from the islands or Latina.  People just don't really know what we are, and we always get 2nd glances.  So far, nobody black or white has said much to us.  Both our families are multi-racial throughout.  Friends, if they are thinking negative thoughts, have never shown it.  On the other hand though, my father says he sometimes faces criticism from outsiders who shoot negative looks at him and my stepmom when they are out and about.  Normally this comes from black women.  With other black men, it seems my dad is given the thumbs up via a nod or smile.  Ironically, my parents divorced and my dad dated a black woman because my grandmother, who lived with us, told him his daughters should have a strong black woman to raise them.   But then when we left the house, he ditched her for a white woman whom he married and is still married to now, 18 years later.   Imagine that.  Her family did not accept my dad at first, but they do now after they got to know him and see he's good to her.    
 
 
Do you recall how you first informed your friends and family of your interracial relationship and subsequent marriage?
 Well, I thought my husband was Jewish when I met him and that's what I told my mother.   My father was a little surprised I was dating a non-white person!  Again, my situation here is a bit different.
 

What about your husband's family? Did you or he face any criticism from them?
No, not a problem here.  
 
Have you ever felt pressure or experienced a significant difference between your non interracial and interracial relationships?
Yes.  When I was married before to my ex husband, (Norwegian) his family had mixed feelings about me.  We both grew up in tiny, white, country towns.  His father kept telling us not to have kids because they would experience confusion about themselves and would be hated by blacks and whites because of their mix.  Funny thing about this is that is kind of thing I did experience myself after I grew up and went out into the world!  Anyway, his mother loved me and was fascinated that someone of a different race was in her family. She would go on and on about her secret fantasies of Sidney Poitier to me!  His sister faked it but I could tell she didn't care for me much.  His 2 brothers, unused to anything but whites would seriously try to hit on me when my ex wasn't around.  Our entertainment interests were definitely white-related.   I went to a lot of Country Western and Hard Rock concerts.  He was goofy in a Disney sort of way, wore nothing but blue jeans, and when he danced, it was more ballroom.  And I saw blue eyes every morning.  
 
My current husband is like me, and his personality is a mix of black and white styles.  I'm exposed to rap and hard rock music; he's more stylish and seems more aware of his image than my ex.  My white husband logically would not have racial hang-ups that my current husband sometimes experiences because of society.  Since my ex was free of those worries, so was I and we didn't even discuss it much.  Of course my current husband is aware of all the racial issues of today, so we talk about them.  It definitely created a different world for me.  You are a product of your environment, and it takes work and courage to step out in a new direction and try new things and be around different people.  Like black women stepping out with white men for the first time, right? So, I feel like I've lived in 2 different worlds, if that makes any sense.  To be honest, I feel like I have the best of both worlds now with my current husband.  
 
Do you feel that there are societal criticisms and pressures concerning interracial relationships from both the blacks and whites?
Definitely.  But from my vantage point, I notice it's more of an issue with black people.  Some black men don't like the fact that we are with white men, and they will show their disdain.  Maybe they are thinking black women should never desert their posts at the black man's side.  Never mind that some of them have been chasing white women for years!    It's the do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do syndrome.  They make movies about it!  As far as criticism from whites well, it's the same ole same ole.  Some have problems with it, some don't.  Nothing new there.

Do you think this is related to the history of slavery in America and the negative images still prevalent in our communities?

Yes in some ways.  We're not far enough away from that ugly history for some of us to be able to differentiate our situations today.  Some may suspect when a white man is married to or in a relationship with a black woman, somehow it's like the slave master forcibly taking a slave woman (ancestor) from the shack in the middle of the night while his wife sleeps.   Some in the black community may think it's because the white man historically has always had every advantage and that he is now taking black women too.  Some black women are brainwashed into accepting this notion and find themselves saying things like: "I could never date white man" or "God will send me my black man, I'm waiting on him."  I find it interesting that some women of the black community CAN forget how crappy some black men treat them today and can't get over the slave mentality issue.   I know women whose black men use them up and toss them aside the minute a white women looks their way.  I don't understand why some of them can't seem to move give a man outside the black community a chance.

I think it takes a brave black woman to make this kind of choice for herself.  She can face all kinds of criticism from every angle, but not always.  There are some white men as well who can't handle societal pressures of being in a relationship with a black woman and unfortunately it sometimes takes its toll.  Some couples actually break up because of it.  Not here!  When you truly fall in love, you don't take this mindset into consideration.
 
Do you have children?
No.
 
Where do you live?
Fishers, Indiana (suburb north of Indianapolis). 

Do you think Fishers, Indiana in general is a good place for interracial couples and families?
Indiana is considered the Crossroads of America's among many other terms, happily, I see there are many black women with white men in the area, and their kids are just gorgeous!  I wonder if they find support and encouragement amongst themselves when they see each other.

So far from what I see, the communities here don't have a problem with interracial couples and families.  Black woman-white man couples are so prevalent in the Fishers area, it's like they came here to escape criticism elsewhere.  A lot of the population is non-native, so people here may tend to be more open-minded.
 
What do you do for fun?
Lots of things ---- when we are not both working (full time), there's travel, movies, four pets to care for and most of all, out taking in the scenes and hugging the curves on our motorcycles.

Do you have any suggestions for black women just entering interracial relationships?
Funny thing about many white men, they LOVE the exoticness of black women!  They admire our strength, and our ability to take charge, stand up for ourselves and be independent.  We should NEVER think we are not as beautiful as white girls.  We are exotic and gorgeous to many white and non-black men.  Even while some black men are looking down on us (especially darker skinned sisters) white men adore and fantasize about us and want to treat us like queens!  Don't forget that!  Stop denying yourself; don't be afraid to step over that line if you've been thinking about it.  You need to explore new options if you are not getting what you need or want.  Don't deny yourself love and respect and a chance at happiness!  
 
Next time a cute white guy takes a long look your way; don't dismiss him as not being an option for you.  He IS an option!  Not all relationships may work out as no one is perfect, but you owe it to yourself and deserve your opportunity to seek and find great friendships, romance, love and marriage to a good, loving man who just may be white.

Paul and Vanessa Babicz: Chicago Land Love and Marriage Done Right!

Paul Babicz or "Pauly" as he is known in some circles is a dedicated husband and father.  At times with a Starbuck's Caramel Macchiato within reach, Paul works full time in the medical field, plays drums at his church, co-teaches a class with his wife and just enjoys life.  Paul's humor, loyalty, determination and creativity guaranteed him a special place in the heart of Vanessa ---- his bride of 30 years. 

 Even as the grandson of Polish immigrants, Paul had known since high school that he wanted to marry a black woman.  You can feel the joy Paul emanates just speaking of his Vannie.  He speaks of her as if he just met a new girlfriend.  While telling me about his life, marriage and family, Paul was full of laughs but kept it very real.   Enjoy their story.  Paul's My space page is:  www.myspace.com/pabie  
 

 

 

 

What is your ethnicity?

I'm second generation Polish. My grandparents came here from Poland. My lovely bride Vanessa is Black and a quarter Cherokee, which makes our children an interesting racial mix and so beautiful.

How did you meet your wife?

A buddy of mine told me of a college that had seven girls to one guy on campus; and being a young man I had to go and check it out.  I am from Chicago and Vanessa is from Florida, so we met in the middle at Lee College which is now Lee University in Cleveland, TN.  That was in September of 1975.  She and her friends were at the tennis court and wouldn't you know it --- we started talking.  I only did one semester there before returning to Chicago.  So, Vanessa and I maintained a long distance relationship (while she continued her education there) which actually made us closer and even more fond of each other.   We wrote letters back and forth, I called her in the evenings and every weekend (There were no cell phones back then, just expensive long distance rates.    MCI must have loved me because I helped keep them in business).  I also would fly down to visit from time to time and sometimes fly her here.  One year, I flew down on Valentine's day to surprise Vanessa. She was walking to class and I just went to her.  Vanessa asked "What are you doing here?" I answered the obvious and of course I got the biggest hug in the universe.  

Funny we communicated without the Internet or cell phone technology.   It would have come in handy because Vanessa spent hours trying to decipher my chicken scratch handwriting (Paul so fondly recalls).  Email would have been great.  Now don't get me wrong I'm not complaining because I would do it all over again.  My wife was worth every penny I spent on calls, travel or postage.  Can you tell I'm crazy about her or maybe just crazy?  I would love to give you the whole story of how I feel the Lord brought me and my soul mate together in an amazing tale; but you would have to write a book.  I can tell you, that I was not about to let her get away.  I was willing to take a chance and approach her just to see if Vanessa would like or talk to me.  I won her heart.  There has never ever been any reason to look back, unless you count the head full of hair I had back then.

That's fine (chuckling).  I totally get the picture.  How could I not?  What a wonderful story and attraction.  How long had you known each other when you got married?

Almost 4 years. We have been married now 29 years and soon to be 30 in June of 2009. It's been an amazing journey.  I have known Vanessa more than half of my life.   As a matter of fact, I credit her with the outgoing personality I have today.  I as a bit shy when we met and she over time helped me out of that shell.  Thank you honey!

When were you married?

We were married on June 9, 1979 in Hallandale, Florida at her home church.

Was this your first interracial relationship?  

Yes, it was my first real relationship --- period.

When did you first realize that you could love a black woman?

I liked a girl in high school, but we never dated.  When I was in high school I was attracted to the black girls.  I knew then, I knew my soul mate would be a beautiful black woman whose heart matched mine.  Even though she was (still is) beautiful, I loved Vanessa inside and out.  She had a winning personality and wonderful disposition.

How did you feel about interracial marriage and relationships before you were in one?

Although I knew I would marry a black woman, I didn't really broadcast it.  Right before going off to college, I told my best friend that I was going to marry a black girl. So I really wanted to be in an interracial relationship from the get go.  Race was not so important, I was just attracted to black women and I got myself a good one with outstanding character and personality.  Vanessa is as good as they come.  I was blessed to find her.

Do you feel any different about interracial marriage and relationships now?

Not really.  I see my two of my girls in two different relationships.  One is dating a white guy and the other is dating a black guy.  All I want is my girls to be happy and for them to get the love and respect they deserve from good men; also to be in a strong relationship like mine and their mother's.  I know we have set a good example for them to follow. 

I can't imagine that after 30 years it would matter now, but did you ever face skeptics and criticism from friends and or family about your interracial marriage?

No, my friends have accepted us for who we are.  As a matter of fact most of the time my wife is the only black person in the crowd.  This has also been the case in the churches we have attended over the years; and people have loved her just the same. I'm the one always teasing her.   Funny how it all turned out and we laugh about this.  Not everything is a laughing matter, but you have to be able to have fun with what could otherwise very serious.  A sense of humor is so important.  

Do you recall how you first informed your friends and family of your interracial relationship and subsequent marriage?

Well, my Dad really didn't mind, he said "You are going to live with her." And he got along great with my wife. My mom on the other hand was very cold towards Vanessa while we were dating.  Vanessa never even gave it a second thought.  She knew I loved and supported her no matter what.  That was another thing that made me love her even more.  My mother once said to my sister:  "I didn't want one of those in my family."  My sister responded:  "What do you mean Ma she is a woman just like you?" I'm glad my sister spoke up when my mother said that to her.  Not to excuse her or anything, but mother was never really around Black people  All she knew were the negative images she'd seen depicted in the media. Unfortunately I lost my mom before we got married; and she never got a chance to see her wonderful grandchildren whom I know she would have truly loved.

What about your Vanessa's family?

Now, with her family at first both parents weren't too crazy about bringing a white man in the family.  Remember that was a while back.  Even though people did marry interracially, it was not as common as it is now.  Vanessa actually did have a cousin who had married a white guy so the idea wasn't totally foreign, but I was the first in her immediate family.

Did you or she face any criticism from them?

Vanessa faced a little, but it didn't faze her.  She handled the situation with my mother with such class; I knew it would be no issue.  Anyway, I had her back.  

How was it handled?

Vanessa's aunt advised her mother:  "Give the boy a chance and meet him."  Ironically after they both met me, I eventually became their favorite son-in-law.

Have you ever felt pressure or experienced a significant difference between your non interracial and interracial relationships?  

Never any real pressure. You just don't get the stares when with a person of the same race.  When we rode the "L" trains in Chicago in the 80's we might have had people staring at us, but I always stared right back and got in trouble with my wife for doing it.  She rises above that kind of thing and has just never let it bother her.  

Do you feel that there are societal criticisms and pressures concerning interracial relationships from both the blacks and whites? 

Just like I stated earlier my friends, co-workers, church forks have all accepted us for who we are, as the couple and family we are which has been good.  Societal pressures would never have stopped me from having my relationship with my beautiful wife. 

What ages are your children?

We have a daughter 28, a son 26, a daughter 23, and another daughter 16.

Did race figure into child rearing for you and your wife?

No.  Our children never really thought about color or race as we were always Mom and Dad.  One day however, our middle daughter came home from school and said "Mom am I black?" She had heard someone at school or something.  That was ironic because we never taught them to see the color in people; we taught them to see that we are individuals no matter our skin tone.

What was your response to her and your other children?

My children were blessed not to experience the racism as children as we protected them by not making this an issue in our household.  Any advice would have always been that as a person, you are created by God and made in his image so love so where as humanly possible, treat people all the same.

Where do you live?

Northlake, IL.  It's just outside the great city of Chicago.

Do you think Northlake in general is a good place for interracial couples and families?

Northlake is a small city of about 12,000 people, and being a suburb of Chicago it's not bad. Our neighbors have been very good.  We lived in the city for 10 years and had no problems.

Do you have any suggestions for anyone interested in or just entering an interracial relationship, regardless of race?

Well, first and foremost trust in the Lord Jesus Christ because he will guide you.   Every relationship has challenges and ours really is no different.  We put the Lord in middle of our relationship and it has worked for all these years. Don't let what people say stop you or hinder you if you truly love that person love will conquer all with the Lord's help.

Would you be available (for one week only) willing to answer a few of our readers' questions for a future publication?

Sure, if I can help any young or older couples starting out and share my experiences it would be great.

Thank you, Paul.  I feel like you have taken me back in time with you.

Stella Parker: Rocking Love in the Rocky Mountains

When Stella Parker ventured west to Denver from her home in Indiana, all she had was a dream and determination to be successful.  Working hard at her job and completing her education, Stella hoped she would find a nice man and settle down.  It took some time, but Stella would meet her future husband through the most unlikely of situations ---- her mother-in-law. 

After marriage, Stella has not only been a stay home – home schooling mom, she also fulfilled a dream of launching Custom Credentialing Services Inc.  CCSI is a professional credentials verification company verifying credentials exclusively for clients offering employment or contract opportunities to licensed Physicians, Dentists and Allied Health Professionals.  Within the past two years, Stella Parker has gone global doing business with hospitals as far away as Dubai and Pakistan.  Stella’s website is:

http://www.custom-credentialing-services.com.

 

What is your husband's ethnicity?
White American

How did you meet?
His mother, my wonderful mother-in-law introduced us in June 1992.  To date, I have not met any other black women married to white men whose mother introduced them.  Even if and when I meet her (them) that fact will still be rare which makes our meeting unique.

And how long had you known him when you got married?
Sixteen (16) months.

When were you married?
December 18, 1993.

Was this your first interracial relationship?
This was my first serious interracial relationship.

How did you feel about interracial marriage and relationships before you were in one?
Before, I had always thought that interracial marriage was right for others, not necessarily right for me.  However, when my "white" mother-in-law introduced me to her son and after the initial shock wore off then I knew it was right for me.

Do you feel any different about interracial marriage and relationships now?
No because you should be with the one you LOVE.

Did you ever or do you now face skeptics and criticism from friends and/or family about your interracial marriage?
People have voiced their opinions and yes, there will always be skeptics and critics.  Nonetheless, I am very secure in my marriage and I do not waste precious time discussing what skeptics and critics (be it family or friends) have to say because it is none of their business. 

Do you recall how you first informed your friends and family of your interracial relationship and subsequent marriage?
In truth, most of my family and friends already knew that he was white.  Many of my friends knew because we are members of the same church.  Further, when I told other family and friends that he is/was "white", most comments were "so what."

What about your husband's family?
  In the beginning, the only people who knew that I was a black female were my husband's parents and his brother.  I was his date for his daughter's second wedding reception and my appearance shocked everyone.  He just introduced me and that was that.  My husband didn't think it was a big deal.

Did you or he face any criticism from them?  If so, how was it handled?
About three months after we started dating, my stepson told me that initially, he was concerned; yet, when he saw how "happy" his father was, then he was happy also.

Have you ever felt pressure or experienced a significant difference between your non interracial and interracial relationships?
The significant difference was that twice I was set up for blind dates for two different black males.  Both indicated to me that they prefer white females.  One in particular stated to me that he prefers white females because they are prettier.  I just could not believe that he made his mouth utter those words to me especially while we were having dinner.  His demeanor was disrespectful and crude.  I was so thankful that I had driven myself to this restaurant and did not have to rely on someone like him to get me home safely. 

Do you feel that there are societal criticisms in America and pressures concerning interracial relationships from both the blacks and whites?
Yes.  When I was a teenager our neighbor was a wonderful mentor.  Once she told me when she was vacationing in England, she overheard a white female state that "Everyone should stick with their own race."  Her response was "there is only one race and that is the human race."  I will never forget her wise words because she was right.  When I was growing up, it was rare to see a black female and a white male together.  Now, it is universal and WE are a sight for sore eyes.  There have been some black women that have tried to give me grief, but it never worked.

Do you think this is related to the history of slavery in America and the negative images still prevalent in our communities?
That may or may not be the case.  In contrast, from a biblical standpoint, "a man shall leave his mother and father and be joined unto his wife."  What's more, Race is not specified.  Negative images are still prevalent in our communities because of ignorance.  Please note no one is born with these negative images of race relations.  This kind of narrow minded ignorance is ingrained.

Do you have children?
Yes, we have a 12 year-old son.

How does race figure into child rearing for you? 
It is an inevitable factor in our lives that must be addressed because of our society.

Does your son know about racism and has he experienced any?
He has experienced racism from other bi-racial children who are darker skinned as well as white children.  My son appears to be multiracial with straight black hair.  This has made him a target of Latino and white children.

What is your advice to him?
The advice that I give him is that people are always watching and waiting for him to make a mistake.  I always try and impress upon him that his actions should give people good things to say about him even though they may say negative things.  More importantly, I impress upon him that "no one can make you feel bad about you without your permission."

Where do you live?
Thornton, (Metro/suburb of Denver) Colorado.

Do you think Colorado in general is a good place for interracial couples and families?
When there is a strong family unit, I think that any place is and can be good for interracial couples and their families.  There will be challenges to face and obstacles to overcome no matter where you may live.  As a loving and devoted couple, you can rise to any occasion no matter how difficult the circumstances.

Do you have any suggestions for black women just entering interracial relationships?
I once asked my mother-in-law before my husband and I were married “why me, and she simply stated why not you?”  When your relationship become serious, don’t just plan your wedding, plan your marriage because you will now have a shared sense of purpose.  I am not saying that all interracial relationships work out; but you must be united with the utmost respect for each other.  Keep an open mind and allow yourself the gift of happiness because life is too short.

Thank you!

Yvette Jarvis -- A True Black Greek Goddess

One description of goddess is a woman of great beauty or grace. Yvette M. Jarvis far surpasses this description being so many things to so many. Mother, politician, activist, model, singer, actress, entertainer and presently special advisor on Immigration to the mayor of Athens, Greece still somehow barely scratches the surface of this beautiful and ultra talented woman of the world.

Yvette and I recently discussed her feelings on interracial marriage. She has an added aspect of living abroad and offers a fresh and wonderful perspective. Yvette's webpages are http://www.yvettemjarvis.gr  and www.myspace.com/yvettejarvis. She is also a member of the Black Women In Europe Social Network.

________________________________________

  What is your partner's ethnicity?
Caucasian American

And how long had you known him when you got married?
5 years

When were you married?
July 14 1995

 

Was this your first interracial relationship?
No

How did you feel about interracial marriage relationships before you were in one?
I never had a problem with interracial relationships. I found myself attracted to other races from very early on--as early as elementary school.

Do you feel any different about interracial marriage and relationships now?
Not one iota different. I truly believe people are people. There are cultural differences that can bring difficulties to a relationship but the truth is we are all children of God.

Did you ever or do you now face skeptics and criticism from friends and/or family about your interracial marriage?
At the very beginning when I announced my upcoming marriage to my first husband who is Greek, my father and brother had problems with the relationship. They quickly got over their bad feelings once they got to know Stelios better.

My friends on the other hand who knew my dating habits in college were not phased at all. Although my Black girlfriends always expressed their curiosity about how I did it and their doubt if they could cross date. Most of my friends and family were more concerned with my moving to Greece than anything else.

Do you recall how you first inform your friends and family of your interracial relationship and subsequent marriage?
My very first interracial crush was 6th grade. My sisters teased me for a bit but they found George very handsome. In college, I introduced my father to my Chinese boyfriend and he remarked "When are you going to bring home an Eskimo?"

What about your husband's family? Did you or he face any criticism from them? If so, how was it handled?
I first met John's nephews and nieces who came to visit us at our home in Greece. They fell in love with me and when they arrived home they bragged and bragged about "Aunt" Yvette without ever mentioning once my race. His one Sister I had met on vacation and the other one met me over the phone. Both Sisters knew that I was Black and never thought twice about it.

Now with John's parents (2nd husband) there were some misgivings at first. He got into a terrible fight with his father over my being Black. It almost kept him from going to his parents' 50th wedding anniversary. I insisted that he attend even if I had to stay back at the hotel. Of course all's well that ends well. They both came to love me and admire me for the person I am and not my race.

Have you ever felt pressure or a significant difference between your non interracial and interracial relationships?
No I can't say that I have.

Do you feel that there are societal criticisms (in America and Greece) and pressures concerning interracial relationships from both the blacks and whites?
For sure in America, there are social pressures depending upon where you live. New York is different from the Mid West or the South. However, whenever John and I go home with our son, we travel through our different family's neighborhoods and we don't think twice about it. We refuse to let whomever's opinion damage the harmony we have in our family. African American women in the black community have often been described as hesitant or resistant to interracial relationships in general. African, Caribbean and other women of African descent don't to seem to have these issues.

Do you think this is related to the history of slavery in America and the negative images still prevalent in our communities?
I am sure subconsciously a case could be made for that. I honestly don't know why my friends were/are so different from me. It could just simply be a matter of taste in men!

Do you have any suggestions for black women just entering interracial relationships?
I dislike giving personal advice because everyone is different and what works for you may not work for someone else, but for the sake of your article I'll say, acquire a thick skin. Be certain of why you love your partner and of what brought you together. Have a sense of humor about everything, even race. Be sure you are honest about your feelings about race and have conversations about it get it out of the way for the 2 of you so that others can't bring it up to separate you.

Thank you! 

____________________________

COMMENTS: (transferred from original page):

1.  --A new comment from “Delishmish” was received on the post “Yvette Jarvis - A True Black Greek Goddess ”

Comment:
This is clearly a woman who has NEVER limited her choices. It's wonderful to see. Look how far it has taken her. Interviews like this are so great to read. Thanks Lorraine.

2.  --A new comment from “Phantom Mare” was received on the post “Yvette Jarvis - A True Black Greek Goddess ”

Comment:
Thank you for the article. Will be waiting for more insight from her.

3.---Evia said:
"It almost seems to cause them pain to read that some of us black women are Living Well with our husbands. Let's face it: as LOTS more black women believe they can find and DO find loving partners who happen to be white or white-skinned men of whatever background, people will simply have to get over **their** issues."

4.  ---A new comment from “felicia” was received on the post “Yvette Jarvis - A True Black Greek Goddess ”

Evia, I HEARD THAT AND CAN I GET AN AMEN!LOL I say lets give the haters even more pain if you know what I mean. Living a well loved life with your husband/partner and bringing children into this world who are well loved, confident, safe, and provided for by their father is a completely attainable blessing. Living WELL is the best and sweetest revenge.

 I just LOVED this interview with this sista who is obviously living well. And it's true that a man and a woman in love are simply that. The only significance "race" has in a loving relationship is the significance OTHERS put on it. People are people pure and simple. We're all homosapiens and therefore genetically speaking of the SAME HUMAN race. Everything else is POLITICAL and about the money trail and keeping the status quo (which benefits those in power) intact. That's the way my husband and i see it. Americas obsession with "race" is a SICKNESS. And my husband and I will never let this obsession by strangers and this culture effect in any way our marriage and family. Sistas should NEVER let "them" (and there are multiple folks and institutions who fit that description) win. I know I won't.

5.  ---A new comment from “Mekare” was received on the post “Yvette Jarvis - A True Black Greek Goddess ”

Comment:

"Americas obsession with "race" is a SICKNESS."

I totally agree.

6.  ---A new comment from “Mary” was received on the post "Yvette Jarvis - A True Black Greek Goddess ”

Comment:
this made me think about how someone mentioned how a coworker asked "what do yall eat?" about her and her white husband

7.  ---A new comment from “Lola” was received on the post “Yvette Jarvis - A True Black Greek Goddess ”

Comment:
Great interview Lorraine & Yvette. I applaud Yvette for never self-limiting. That was a very inspiring read, especially the part where they didn't let family members ruin their relationship, instead they fought for their love. As for people having issues with bw in interracial relationships, that is definitely THEIR issues that they need to work on. Anytime someone is hostile to you, they only show their insecurities.

8.  ---A new comment from “Cheddars” on the post, "Yvette Jarvis - A True Black Greek Goddess ”

Comment:
Hi Lorraine, I finally stumbled upon your column. I'm glad I did. Thanks for that interview. I enjoy reading, hearing and seeing anything that further normalizes something which I already consider to be normal. Such a beautiful family

9.  ---A new comment from “” was received on the post "Yvette Jarvis - A True Black Greek Goddess ”

Comment:
This is a great article. Thanks for sharing this. Also I think Greece is one of those countries that has more men than women. So that would be a plus for any BW travelers.

10.  ---A new comment from “Ann” was received on the post “Yvette Jarvis - A True Black Greek Goddess ”

Comment:
Hey, ladies and while you are living your life pull a girlfriend along for the ride. She might like what she sees

11.  ---A new comment from “Dorian” was received on the post ““Yvette Jarvis - A True Black Greek Goddess ”

Comment:
She's INCREDIBLE...and this is a very timely read for me. I'm heading to Greece for my very first marathon next month and can't wait to flirt up a storm :-)

12.  ---A new comment from “Sulis” was received on the post “Yvette Jarvis - A True Black Greek Goddess ”

Comment:
You write very well.