As African-American teenagers in a Mission Hill conference room talk about their opinions of marriage , their comments reveal a dreary view of the institution.
``I'm not looking forward to marriage," says Nakeeda Burns , a 17-year-old resident of Revere and daughter of a single mother, ``and I don't think we [people in general] should be married, because I see how other marriages ended up in my family and on television. It's always a disaster."
Even the married couples these teens know don't seem particularly happy.
``All of my friends who are married, they tell me not to get married," says Anderson Felix , 17, of Dorchester. `` `Wifey is going to keep you on lock.' `Everywhere you go, she'll call you every five minutes.' I won't be able to deal with that."
Anita Marshall blurts out, ``I want a big wedding if I get married," but she doesn't think she'll make it to the altar. Her mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother were married; now they're all divorced.
``I don't know anyone who's married, or anybody who is married and stayed married," says Marshall, a 15-year-old from Dorchester. She and the other 10 teens in the room are participants in the organization YPACT (Youth for Prevention, Action and Change Through Thought ), which aims to develop community leaders by teaching teens about social, racial, and health disparities in their neighborhoods.
``When I think of `married,' " Marshall adds, ``[I think] `divorce' -- first word."
Their disillusionment mirrors a growing resistance to marriage among African-Americans. In the post-Civil War era, when African-Americans had the option to marry legally for the first time, many did. The 1890 Census showed that 80 percent of African-American families were headed by two parents, according to Andrew Billingsley 's 1992 book, ``Climbing Jacob's Ladder: The Enduring Legacies of African-American Families ."
But in 1970, census figures show ed that only 57 percent of black men and 54 percent of black women were married. By last year those numbers had slipped to 42 percent for men and 35 percent for women. In comparison, 68 percent of white men and 63 percent of white women were married in 1970, vs. 59 percent of men and 57 percent of women in 2005 .
As the local teens's comments indicate, view s about marriage are formed by what people see in their lives -- and in pop culture. Shows such as ``Divorce Court " and the media's focus on the latest celebrity break-up do not paint glowing pictures of relationships. These factors may help explain why the US divorce rate approaches 40 percent.
The answers may help show the form of future relationships.
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This is not just a problem with teens. I saw this 20-25 years ago amongst the 20-somethings. The same mindset existed then. Too many of them did not see the need to marry or were scared to believe that they could have a good lifelong relationship with someone. This adversely affected blacks more so that whites. This is a part of why I decided so early to date out when the opportunity came. I saw no chance of marrying black when I was in my early 20s. I was lucky that I found non-bm as attractive as I did bm. That still appears to be the case today. I'm not crying over it though. The problem arises for those that see bm as their only option for mating. They need to be screamed at early to change their minds and check elsewhere and not give up on marriage.
Posted by: Pamela | December 05, 2008 at 11:48 AM
This is not just a problem with teens. I saw this 20-25 years ago amongst the 20-somethings.
It is so much worse for AAs but if AAs knew how to do one thing: choose QUALITY mates, it would resolve lots of their most pressing other issues. For ex. I had an uncle and I have an older male cousin who chose very poorly because they chose women simply on the basis of the woman's hair length (long) and skin shade (both women were very light).
I think this is one reason why I write about this so much. I've seen how this skin shade thing drives so many important decisions among AAs. My uncle's wife was just the pits--very negative character traits--and my cousin's wife was nice but she just didn't have it in her to be a good wife and mother. Both of these male relatives are divorced from these women now, but a lot of lives have been destroyed. Most of their children are much less than what these kids could have been IF their fathers had chosen women based on substance.
Also, when I first wanted to get married (after college in my early 20s), I looked around at the crop of AA men and said, "Never!" I decided that I'd remain single forever too before I got myself into a major mess with one of those men. I saw clearly that they didn't have the right Qualities and Traits for a long-term mate and father.
Luckily, I was in the "Man City" of the the world: NYC, and there were plenty of interested men of all nationalities, so I had a lot of diverse fun.
Posted by: Evia | December 05, 2008 at 12:43 PM
I'm sure you're both familiar with this article as well. It came out several years back.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/03/25/AR2006032500029.html
I think a large part of this is that AAs aren't absorbing the right scripts. It's hard to know how to be a husband or wife or be in a longterm committed relationship when no one around you is doing it. You don't understand it because you don't see it everyday.
Posted by: zabeth | December 09, 2008 at 03:40 PM
Very interesting point made. I understand the story above of why the young woman is being told not to get married. Its the qualities in males and females that will keep them apart or together. It's also a shame that so many young blacs grow up with out a father and whole (meaning complete) mother.
Posted by: Keisha500 | November 08, 2010 at 09:34 PM
From everything you presented, it's not a surprise if these black teens would consider marriage as an illusion. If they see their parents and most of who they know are giving up on marriage then they would likely follow them. The solution should start from the parents and their views on marriage. What they teach their children are essential because if they would inculcate positive words into them. And make their children realize what mistakes they did as a couple to end the marriage, the children might just learn to do and make things right for their own relationships to work. Just my two cents.
Posted by: Turning Winds Reviews | January 27, 2011 at 09:05 AM
From everything you presented, it's not a surprise if these black teens would consider marriage as an illusion.
The institution of marriage is far from perfect, but if it is an "illusion" as you mentioned, it's still one that most AA women would benefit from a lot, if they choose a QLL man and marry him.
In a marriage of even average quality, the man and the woman are BOTH much better off--across the board. There are many research studies that have shown that. I've posted some of them on my site.
With all of its imperfections, if AA women make it a PRIORITY to make themselves the best they can be and then choose ONLY Quality, loving and lovable men, there wouldn't be nearly as many divorces and many more AA women would have a much better quality of life than they have now.
However, sometimes, no matter what a woman or man does, it's just sensible to end the marriage. For ex. people grow. The person you are at 22 is not the same person you are at 32. Some people grow and some do not. Also both people can grow in different directions.
A person can have totally different goals for their life even at 35 than they had at 25. What if you and your spouse had the same goals when you got married at 25, but the goals changed drastically later on due to certain life events. Whose fault is that? Do you stay with him and be unhappy for the rest of your life? Do you stay with him and take out your misery on him? It's not his fault that life has changed you. Not yours either.
Years ago, the couple stayed married and usually the woman lived in misery because she couldn't afford to leave her husband. Years ago, people had a shorter life span, so a woman who realized she was miserable at 35 didn't usually have another 45 years to live. LOL! She died out of her misery not much later. This is not the case these days.
If they see their parents and most of who they know are giving up on marriage then they would likely follow them.
This doesn't have to happen because a parent's life may be very different than their child's life, and this could be easily explained to a child.
The solution should start from the parents and their views on marriage. What they teach their children are essential because if they would inculcate positive words into them. And make their children realize what mistakes they did as a couple to end the marriage, the children might just learn to do and make things right for their own relationships to work. Just my two cents.
I agree that parents should talk frankly with their child about why their marriage dissolved. A good marriage is not a mystery, but BOTH people must invest in keeping the quality in it. BOTH of them. It shouldn't be left to the woman to keep the marriage vibrant and on track, as is the case in most marriages.
After the marriage crashes, in most cases, so many people are only too willing to blame the woman because women are less-threatening to others. Thus, they are the easiest to blame.
Posted by: evia | January 28, 2011 at 06:11 AM