Dear Evia,
I am a young black woman from Canada and I have been reading up on your site and other sites like these which are giving hope to BW who are willing to look for other options and want better for themselves.
Even though there is talk of only AA men on this site, even in a country like Canada where most blacks are immigrants, I would like to also share stories where I have faced colorism in school perpetrated by BMs. Up until last Dec, I was not able to even talk about what had happened until one of my mother’s friends, a makeup artist, and I got into a conversation about skin and I finally said something.
In elementary school I (and a two other twin girls who were darker than me) were called names by BM like Blanca (they explained the nickname in terms of that we were so dark that you couldn’t even see us, so we were ‘blank.’) and tortured us everyday for at least two years (at least for me). On days when these two twins were not at school I would be left alone while they called me names and made sure that I was clearly aware of my skin tone and how ‘unattractive’ and ‘invisible’ it made me.
In the multiracial school that I was in, I never had to face any ideas about race since all of my friends were from different places. Then when I started to hang out with this 'tough crew' and all BP (who all later admitted to using each other and all other sorts of nonsense I should have known better than to get into) did this dark vs. light idea come up. That started my period of anti-social behavior, not talking to friends or family members who sensed the change in me and I also became aggressive and self hating.
In the last year of elementary school (out of a mixture of more fear than strength) I was able to choose other high school away from both my torturers and real friends (who I had abandoned during my exploration with the 'tough crew') that I had known from childhood, and just buried the pain inside of me as I started over again.
Now in university on my first day of classes, a BM (of my own skin tone!) sang in a loud voice as I waved goodbye to a friend as I left a student food center, “Light skin is right skin!” I almost didn't register it from my distraction, but I still remember the look on a friend I had just met that day (a WW) who was unsettled about what he had said. But I didn't let that ruin the day; I just carried on so I would be alright for my upcoming class. But I wondered how this BM who had gotten into university, something that esp. in the place in Canada where I come from where BP struggle through high school and can't pay for university, had the nerve to say such an ignorant comment is beyond me.
I try and avoid any kind of self-segregation now since it surprises me so much how the BC only concentrates on racism outside of the community when some people like me are hurt far worse from individual BP than I ever had been from individual WP (concerning my race). Maybe because I just didn’t expect it from people my race so there was no defense against it. Even though I find myself to be more emotionally stable to deal with attacks such as these, sometimes it gets to be too much without some support. So I wanted to say something for the BW in multicultural and therefore more ‘tolerant’ societies who do not know how to deal with things such as colorism since only racism is explained to them in schools.
Though it has been 7+ years since my first (and rawest) contact with colorism I’m learning though blogs like yours and have slowly but surely started healing. Now, days where I didn’t know where to turn to and was consumed by self hatred are in the past. Days where I would have done anything to have someone tell me that it wasn’t about me—but about them instead, are no longer needed. I finally understand. I am eternally grateful to you for this site. Thank you so much for blogging the truth.
Sincerely,
_______________________
NEVER even begin to think that the damage of these black males has anything to do with you! I realize though that you were never taught how to respond in a self-preservative way when someone tries to push their damage on you. These males were simply expressing their OWN self hate. When black males reject other blacks based on dark(er) skin, they're reacting to the hatred of their reflection that they see when they look at that other black person. It's like they looked into a mirror and was reminded of the hated image of themselves as weak, impotent males in the world and they're thus trying to distance themselves from that hated image. You've experienced skin shade racism as practiced by bm against black females in the social arena, which involves the same devaluing process as does white racism, which for centuries, has beaten the drum that lighter skin and etc. is superior to darker skin and etc.
Here's the short version of the psychology behind this deep-seated self hatred among black males, according to bm afrocentric psychologists like Dr. Amos Wilson. First let me point out that naturally many black females take their lead from bm on this issue since all females live in a patriarchial world. Thus NO female has the power to declare what's beautiful in a female without male confirmation, whereas males can and do decide on female beauty everyday all day long without any confirmation from females. That's the power of the patriarchy.
According to the work of psychologists/psychiatrists on this subject, MANY black males have an aversion to darker black females, not just because of internalizing the notion that lightness and whiteness in females epitomizes feminine beauty (per Madison Avenue), but also because the darker female is an irrefutable reminder to these males that they came from a black mother. Blackness to a self-hating/damaged black male is associated with powerlessness, compared to other men in the world. So they don't want to be black since black maleness is associated with weakness and it is a part of the male script for a typical man to want to be stronger and more in control. That's a male issue. This doesn't apply to ALL men or all bm in the world, but it does apply to vast numbers of them. Most females don't think like that. Without a doubt most females don't long to be strong and in control.
So never allow others--male nor female--to push their damage off on you. Work on getting rid of your own issues and only associate with QUALITY men.
This is why I talk about the issue of bm being Damaged Beyond Repair (DBR) so much and warn bw to stay away from these males. I mean, would you really want one of these males to be your child's daddy and pass on that self-hate to your children? Lawdy! This is how this self-hate gets passed on from one generation to the next.
I've witnessed this type of black self hatred so much because I've always made a point of noticing it--since the time I was a child. Many lighter skinned blacks try not to notice how dark skinned AA females are treated or they'll minimize the harm of the treatment. Some of these lighter blacks have the audacity to accuse the dark skinned person of being TOO SENSITIVE or complaining that they're too "thin-skinned," or they'll console the person by saying, "sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt you." Never has a bigger lie ever been told!! LOL!
I've known several dark skinned black women who've gone through ongoing slights, insulting experiences , and rejection on a regular basis simply because they're darker. And this is ALL coming from other AAs. And MOST black women are all too familiar with how typical AA males USUALLY choose the lighter-brighter-whiter more euro looking female over the darker less-euro one in MOST social-romantic situations, that is, if all other things are equal or similar.
This is ONE reason why most of us AAs know for sure that the President-elect is not a typical AA male. LOL! He wasn't raised by AAs or in an AA setting, and that's a GOOD thing because you will only find a handful of powerful, wealthy, influential AA males with women of Michelle Obama's darker skin shade. The bulk of them, as we know, choose lighter-brighter-whiter mates (these women are not to blame). So the chances would have been extremely rare of him choosing Michelle as the 'fairest of them all' if he'd been raised by AA parents, around other AAs.
NOTICE TO AA WOMEN: This is why I'm saying now to AA women that IF they are going to live among other typical AAs--MANY of whom consider the average West African phenotype to be unattractive or less appealing than the euro phenotype--they should be sure to do all they can to have lighter and/or LESS West African looking/more euro looking daughters. I realize that's a radical statement, but I prefer not to mince words because mincing words will not get rid of or soothe the pain this notewriter and many dark women like the writer of this note has endured and will continue to experience. However, if she'd had lighter skin and a more euro phenotype, she would have escaped a lot of that pain.
Now I hope that no one will write to me claiming that they're light skinned and they were also attacked or that they're dark and were always told how beautiful they are. There are ALWAYS exceptions but exceptions don't disprove rules.
It REALLY bothers me to the max how so many bw and bm have dark skinned daughters and PRETEND not to be aware or are actually oblivious to the social hell these young girls go through, especially in a typical public school situation or in any mainly AA social circle/college/community/church, etc. I think darker girls are much better off in an ALL-white environment or largely-white environments because to a typical white person, ALL "black" people are darker. It doesn't matter to MOST whites whether you're golden brown, honey brown, pecan-brown, tobacco brown, or chocolate, and black hair "grade" is also a non issue to typical whites.
This is also why I've said numerous times and will continue to say that wm who are attracted to bw have a MUCH greater appreciation for the WIDE range of black female beauty than the typical AA male. And I think that what shocks many people is that the expectation is that AA males would, in general, appreciate and PREFER the beauty of most women from their group, just as ALL other males (I've ever heard about or read about) GENERALLY elevate and behave like they prefer the beauty of women from their ethnic/racial group. The fact that AA males DON'T generally elevate and prefer the beauty of women of their group is simply an indication of their DAMAGE. I'm talking about proportions here, not individuals. This, to me, is a social indicator that AAs are not slated for survival in their present configuration.
Note that I don't talk much about other populations of blacks re this issue because I don't know nearly as much about them. Thanks for filling us in about the vastness of this "preference" for the light-bright-white female among SOME black males in Canada.
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