8 Black Female Interracial Marriage: Letters from Readers

Reactions, Comments, Responses to Notes Posted on Main EZINE --7/22/12

I did a post on July 22, 2012 on my main EZINE page where I included several notes from readers. I also offered my perspectives on the types of majors/specializations that AA women should and should not pursue in college, for best results or in order to get the most bang for their educational bucks.

Here's the post:  http://www.blackfemaleinterracialmarriage.com/2012/07/bwiimr-slice-push-marriage-and-education-as-key-vehicles-for-bw-uplift-more-marriages-readers-notes.html

Below is a listing of responses, reactions and comments sent in re that post.

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Evia,

Just went to your site and was reading one of your letter from a woman wanting to travel to Europe. I would love to connect with this woman and let her know that Travel Buddy (travbuddy.com) is an excellent resource for people looking to connect for travel so as not to go alone. Please pass on my email to her. I have an account on TB and am in the process of doing a group trip to Europe for 2013.

Thanks for showing the letters you got.

KM

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Hi Evia,

 Love love love whats happening. Saw a comment from NSL re - coming to Europe she didnt say exactly where she is going but if she is heading to London and in need of a friendly sisterfriend who is used to the Global village and heading back as soon as I take care of business I would be more than happy to help her find her way around or give any advice. She can email me directly . We have to be-freind other women on the path.....

Best regards,

  V

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Hello,

I had to respond to some of those comments from your recent post.

----From a white man: a provocative note about the OOW situation

His suggestion that women not have kids is . . . . astounding, yet not that amazing. I have had a conversation with a white woman who said the exact same thing. 'Apart from tax write-offs, what's the point of being married? You still get the same benefits by being common-law (in Canada)?!' At first I was going to leap up and disagree with her, but then I had to think on my response. What is the benefits?

Despite what you have been urging, I was one of those exact nay-sayers right up until last year. 'I don't need marriage' I said. 'I don't' need a ring!' I said. However, when I said those things, I thought that I would never get married because no one wanted me and I was (grudgingly) getting used to the idea of dying alone and lonely. So in that context, yes, marriage seems like a luxury for the wealthy classes, the 'pretty' people. But then I started reading your blog and other blogs and seeing so many pictures of so many dark-skinned, beautiful women who were engaged or married and I thought . . . why can't that be me too?! Why do I have to settle for common-law, save money on a dress, a wedding cake, or even presents?! I LIKE presents?! Why should I do without?! It's taken me a long time, but I'm slowly shaking off the self-brainwashing I did in an effort to console myself with being left alone, or so I thought. Plus, on my job, when people want to apply for survivor benefits as the spouse of the deceased, what do you have to provide? A marriage certificate. If you don't have that, we will accept a Statutory Declaration of Common Law union, but you still must provide extra proof that you were together for more than 12 consecutive months. Guess who calls the government help line, frustrated because they can't find any proof whatsoever? Common law couples. Not that that will be reason enough to get married, but the Law, heck, the entire Western society, is structured around having that one piece of 'paper'.

Why deny yourself the extra protection?But always vet, Vet, VET as you say, to avoid accepting dreck as a suitable husband/father to your children. By the way, the white woman who said that marriage meant nothing was single, her spouse having left.

--------From a black woman- requesting Christian advice

I'm no Christian, but that letter sounded like so many articles I have read on BWE sites about AA women praying for change instead of getting up and making that change themselves. I know she is hesitant, but what is she waiting for? I wish I had someone interested in me (though I am working feverishly on that) who was willing to wait. Her child-bearing years are possibly past for good. What is she waiting for, divine permission to fall in love? What if she never gets an answer, then what? Life is too short to hold off on love.

----------From a black woman-who feels her beauty is devalued

I grew up in Canada, 'The Great WHITE North' where I definitely DID NOT see my beauty reflected anywhere, especially when I was growing up in the 70's & '80's. I had that thinking too, 'oh, they only show blond hair and blue eyes, I have to do that too!' Until a black women looked and me strangely and said 'No, YOU DON'T'. You DON'T have to put chemicals or weaves in your hair unless you want to, you don't have to wear blue contacts unless you want to, you don't have to do anything they say on those ads because they're just trying to sell you a product. You don't have to be what they say is beautiful, you be what you say is beautiful. It's like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I'd never really heard that as I was growing up. I guess my parents, both from all black societies, took it for granted that I knew that already, but I DIDN'T. They never said I was beautiful or pretty.

When I asked my  [West African] dad why he never bothered to say that he said 'Well, it was implied', as in, the fact that you have clothing, food, shelter, and my occasional attention is my proof that you are beautiful, I don't have to actually say it to you. Wrong. The first time I was called beautiful to my face was by a Philippine man in a counselling session (long story). It felt nice to hear it.

My long-winded point is that if you are looking to others to show immediate affection, that may never come. Or, it could be simply mis-interpretation on her part. They could be shoving because they need to get on that bus yesterday because they have their own problems, not necessarily because they thought shoving a black woman would make them feel superior. At least that is how I try to interpret it. If I took personally every odd look and behavior I see ( and I see plenty) I would not make it out the door alive each morning.

As one of the only black people in my city for a while, I would get stared at constantly. My mother said: "So what? 'Men's eyes were made to stare' as Shakespeare said. Maybe they're so stunned by you they have to stare to drink in all of it!" When I was feeling really insecure (still do at times) I tell myself that quote to prop me up. That really is it. I wanted to give you another perspective as to why some women with degrees and a decent job might still reject marriage as a solid institution.

I know it takes a lot of time, but please keep on with your message and with those pictures of those lovely couples!! They really make my heart soar sometimes.

Thank you for your time.

EG

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Hello Evia,

I wish that someone would have advised me against majoring in the soft area of sociology. I am the first in my family to have graduated from college and the fact that I attended was enough of an accomplishment. Had I known I would have chosen a more difficult major and maybe minored in sociology. Yes, I was able to find employment in the field of my major however I have NEVER been satisfied by the salary. It's almost as if I am able to help my clients more than myself and that's disappointing. Thankfully I am now pursuing Dentistry and shall be able to create a more financially stable future. The lesson that I learned is tha we must help ourselves before we can help others and that no one is to blame for our lot in life.

B

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Evia,

The Christian women just sounds soooo bound up with all that indoctrination that she can't put it down..for the beauty and strength of plain ole’ common sense. I remember being a little bit like her.."should I stay in the so called “church”..and wither and die and head straight for the “mother’s board” ( you know the row of women dressed in white at the front right of the church..representing piety, goodness, and strength of hip and thighs...) or should I go in the direction that my heart was telling me. Well----praise be---I headed in the direction of my heart and can honestly say –and I mean honestly say—I would be dead right now if I had stayed in that “church” mindset, listening to the abc church folk/neighborhood folk etc.

But thank you for that insightful look into your inbox.

M

Letters From Readers: Equal Opportunity Lover--LOL!

Hey Evia,

Just a note to let you know that I applaud your efforts in encouraging black women to open their minds and hearts to dating and marrying outside their race! What I find totally mind boggling is how some black women will turn their noses up over the fact that I date white men, yet they are alone and miserable!?!? HELLOOOOO!!!! I'm 48, and have been dating interracially since the late 70s. Evia, I CANNOT relate to the depressing statistics of black women who have never been and will never get married. Interestingly enough, I've had white women - upon learning that I'd been married for the second time - ask me how I'd managed to marry twice, when they couldn't even find their first husband!

You see, I think of myself as an EOL (Equal Opportunity Lover), meaning that I don't discriminate on the basis of race when it comes to finding a suitable man for dating and marriage. My first husband was East Indian and the second was African American. Unfortunately, neither of those marriages lasted. However, because I believe in keeping my dating options open, I'm now in a wonderful relationship with an Irishman. Having an open mind has opened up a wider dating pool than if I'd limited myself to only dating within my race. Just the other day, I was joking with an ex-boyfriend - whom I dated in the late 80s, and who is Chinese - about how WE were pioneers in BW/AM IR relationships. Back in the day, ours was such an unusual pairing, that when we were out in public together, we never openly received dirty stares or heard nasty comments because people were probably so dumbfounded, they didn't know how respond or react to us!!! LOL!

Contrary to Mrs. Folan's book, "Don't Bring Home A White Boy," resistance that I've encountered towards IR dating has NOT come from my family (they didn't care just as long as the guy treated me right) but from society in general. I remember being 15 years old back in '77, and getting into an off topic discussion with my Algebra teacher, a middle aged white man, about marriage. He made a comment about how, when I grew up, I would find a nice black man to marry. Not thinking much of it I replied, " Or perhaps I'll marry a nice white guy." Needless to say, he did NOT like that response and firmly told me that I should stick to my own race. I tried to explain to him that I saw nothing wrong with marrying a white guy, but he wasn't having any of that. Now, let me say one thing about the way I think: whenever someone tells me that I can't have something, that makes me want it even more. So, the fact that he was adamant about me not dating outside of my race only made me all the more interested AND determined to do so. LOL!

Keep up the good work Evia! You're doing an awesome job!

All the best, R

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THANK you! 

Yep, there's always somebody who tries to limit AA women, whether it's blacks, whites, parents, community, males, females, other ethnicities. That can be counted on. But we shouldn't fret at all about that and use our energy to keep pushing those folks aside, just like I'm proud to see so many AA women doing!

I do think that we're still spending too much energy concerned with what others think about us. As long as we're behaving with decorum, working on being our best, and pursuing out goals, we should work on minimizing the noise of others.

Alike you, I pushed past those who might have tried to limit me and went out there and experienced the world. I still do. No one can tell me lies about what types of men won't like me because I've experienced that all types of men like me, or the ones that I got around to dating. LOL!

It's amazing to me how so many AA women cooperate so fully with racist whites, sexist bm and the bm-identified sexist bw. As long as these groups can keep the typical AA woman from going out there and having numerous experiences with others on an ongoing basis, they can control them. This is why the campaign of LIES continue.

Thanks so much for writing.

Letters From Readers: She Prefers Arab Men

You know, I've been a fan of your website for many months now and I really wanted to say THANK YOU. Your site is about AA women finding QUALITY men. Not just white man, but all men. You are teaching AA women very valuable lessons and giving great advice. I was married for 7yrs to a Turkish man and I have to say things were great for most of our marriage BUT it's hard being in an interracial marriage ESPECIALLY living in the South.

I want my husband and I to get back together and try our marriage again because I really feel my husband and I can definitely make it this time. All we would have to do is make minor changes in our relationship and things would be great! Anyway, I don't and have never discriminated on the type of men that I have dated but to tell you the truth I prefer Arab men. Arab men are the sexiest in my opinion. I am saying this because I have noticed a lot of black women pass on dating an Arab man but I have to say that Arab men treat women well majority of the time and they like black women. Most are just afraid to approach us though.

 LOL.......well, like I've said before, your site is wonderful and I really love the positive talk because we as black women really need to hear that. We, AA women, are beat down more than any other women on this earth and we really deserve to have a voice.

Thank you!

Peace,

R

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Hey R, I wish you the best in working out your marriage. All good relationships of ALL types require work. Remember that INPUT = OUTPUT. I think one of the biggest misconceptions about marriage is that you just get married and the marriage will just flow smoothly on automatic. WRONG!

 But if you've got a Quality guy and you love each other and you BOTH invest in the relationship equally, "working" on the relationship can be fun and very rewarding.

 I dated a few Middle Eastern guys when I was in college. I totally AGREE with you about them. I loved hearing them say my name. LOL! One guy I dated loved reading poetry to me. I have no idea what he was saying, but I loved the way he said it. LOL!

Letters from Readers: Medley

#1 
Hi Evia,

I've been reading your essays for almost two years and I absolutely love it. I wish your website existed when I was younger.  It has changed the way I view myself and relationships with men. It gives me hope that one day (hopefully very soon!) I will meet a quality man.  Thank you for sharing your experiences and knowledge with other African American women.

DK

#2
Subject: I love your blog

Hi Evia,

I've been an avid reader of your blog since '07.  I really enjoy it.  Just wanted to let you know that I got married 2 months ago.  I met my husband 3 years ago on an online networking group.  Take care.

Best,

TFM

#3

Subject: hey!

"Your website on IR relationships is so inspiring - I actually cried once reading that you are someone who identifies with the pain and rejection I felt as an AA female. Anyway, I have found love by broadening my horizons and you helped me overcome the guilt of doing so. My bf is jewish/british and he is very loving. we have our ups and downs just like any other relationship - he's not the perfect knight all the time, but he is just what i need. I love being someone's TYPE also- I feel so sexy you know? lol Well, enough about me, I hope that we can be friends and stay in touch. Maybe I'll meet you at the ski getaway in oklahoma for IR couples. Be blessed!"

ET

#4
Hello Evia!

A long time reader of your website, I wanted to pass along this information to your readers. Syracuse U School of Architecture is offering 10 full 5-year scholarships to African American Students. I work in the urban planning/architecture field and the number of black women in the field could use a boost. The message below is a facebook email I received from a colleague that is a member of the American Planning Association (www.planning.org)

Thx,

VNF

*********************************

Syracuse University has 10 Full Rides for African American Men and Women Interested in Studying Architecture.

Mark Robbins, Dean of Syracuse University's School of
Architecture is desperately seeking young men and
women of color interested in pursuing a five year professional degree in Architecture. He says he's deeply committed to bringing diversity to his field and has scholarship money set aside to fully cover education costs for 10 students. He says that
Hispanic enrollment in the school has increased substantially, but it's been harder to attract Blacks. Syracuse University School of Architecture has a great reputation and this seems like a terrific opportunity, so please pass this on to everyone you know.

Contact: Mark Robbins, Dean, School of Architecture (315) 443-2256
http://soa.syr.edu/index.php

School of Architecture
Syracuse University
201 Slocum Hall
Syracuse , NY 13244-1250
Syracuse SOA
Source: soa.syr.edu

LETTERS: Thanks via Brazil

Dear Evia,

 I know you probably hear this a lot but I simply had to comment--I love your blog. I happened upon it approximately 2 years while completing my senior thesis which focused on the occurrence of interracial relationship amongst immigrant groups. Your blog really exposed me to many of the different ideas and issues facing women of color (particularly black women).

So before I get caught up in explaining my thesis any further, I just wanted to tell you about a lovely little Brazilian novela known as "Da Cor do Pecado" (The color of Sin). This novela is unique in that the lead protagonists (Tais Araujo & Reynaldo Gianecchini) are a gorgeous interracial couple. The novela is particularly interesting in that this was the second Brazilian novela (the first was called Xica da Silva) to have a black female lead; Tais Araujo. I mention this novela because it rated very highly in Brazil and all over Latin America and various parts of Europe. Additionally, it touched upon many of the issues facing this couple. In particular, the racism that the lead actress and her on screen son must face especially in relation to having her son be recognized by his wealthy white grandfather. The novela gives a strong voice to the racism that many black Brazilians face on a regular basis in Brazil.

I wanted to also say that I appreciate the message that you're spreading and am trying to live by it myself. Keep it up Evia. There are tons of people like me that really enjoy the message that you are spreading.

_________________________________

Thanks for all you say including the info re the novela.  Unfortunately, I don't speak Portuguese or Spanish.  I do have a girlfriend who is bilingual (English-Spanish), so I'll tell her about the novela.  She loves watching soap operas and such.

LETTERS: Thanks for Helping Me Realize that Marriage is Possible!

Evia,

I really enjoy reading your blog. I am an African American woman living in the Detroit area. I've dating interracially in the past but felt compelled to try and hold out for that great black man. It hasn't happened. I seriously tried. But I'm dating a wonderful caucasian man who is fabulous and treats me so well. He's caring, ambitious, creative and sensitive to my needs.

I once doubted that I'd get married but now I see marriage as something possible for me. I just had to meet the right guy (who happens to be white). I get sistas asking me "what is it like to date a white guy?" all of the time. They want to do it but don't have the courage. I am going to start referring them to your blog. It's really great.

 RK

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Thanks, RK, for reading and please refer any bw  here who needs a reality shift.  It will make a big difference in her outlook on life--whether she agrees with all of the content or not.

LETTERS: Help! He Only Has a High School Diploma!

Dear Evia,

I am a Haitian-American woman who turned 42 on January 21st this week. I am writing even though I know there is the possibility that you will be unable to respond to my email. I feel as though I am imposing this request for advice upon you. However, there are probably many BW women in my position or catagory.

A little about my background, I immigrated to this country with my parents when I was very young. My parents met and married In Canada in the 1960s. They were international students. Both of my grandmothers were able to send their children abroad for higher education. I has an uncle who is a doctor, and all my aunts are RNs. They all own their own homes and I am probably the only person in my extended family who has not completed college.

I am currently enrolled completing my college degree in art history and currently working as a hairstylist. I am well traveled and spent some time in Europe as a professional singer. I speak and read french. I have dated interracially most of my adult life because I was raised to recognize someone's class instead of only the commonality of race. I would say many foreign born blacks are like this or raised like that. It's not about being the same color but about class commonalities when looking for a partner or husband. All of this to say that my family considers itself "bourgeoisie". I know for some in the AA community this is possibly negative but for most foreign born blacks this is what you aspire to; middle-class status or more.

I am currently dating a Latino man who treats me wonderfully. He cooks and cleans my home, is kind, and very passionate about me. I am an asset to him because I am hardworking, cultured, even-tempered, no children, and has never been married. I currently have a potentially lucrative hair business and am in school part time and will complete my degree in at least two years. I aspire to have more in my life and desire to marry well. This man is obsessed with marrying me and absolutely wants to share his life with me. He is a carpenter by trade and holds a high school degree. He has three gown children with three different women. One who he married when he was younger. He is forty-five years old. He does not own a car currently and lives in a modest apartment not far from me. We spend most of our time in my place and I currently own a car though it is modest, it transports me where I need to go.

 This man wants to help me build my hair business into an empire and I am finding myself very conflicted about marrying him. Several of my clients and friends feel that although he is very kind, he is not my equal. Part of me feels bad  that I am judging him by what he does or does not have. He speaks of being able to offer my the life I deserve however I have a hard time seeing it. Even though I am 42 many people think that I am very attractive and look 28. I have always dated WM who have been more established then this man. Most have had college degrees and more to offer as a potential husband.

 I want someone in my life who can offer me more than good sex or foot rubs :)! We both love and enjoy the arts and salsa dancing. He is a talented musician and very handy with his hands. We have been dating for about seven months and he is extremely helpful to me in many ways. He is very emotionally expressive and demonstrative. He tells me all the time that I am truly a catch and better & classier than he is. So, he sees very well what I can bring to his life as a wife and partner.

Evia, I probably work sixty hours a week to support myself, see my wonderful clients and to do well in school. Turning 42 is rather shocking and if I marry I would like to marry equal or better than myself and live well.

But Who AM I to judge!! I am only beginning to get my life together but the fact that he only has a high school degree bothers me. I was programmed to value higher education, even though one can succeed without a degree in the world. I am so afraid of marrying this man and destroying his life because I could be angry at myself for marrying beneath me. Is he beneath me or am I expecting too much. I am not a lawyer or doctor or accountant. I am an artsy type of person who has spent alot of her life being creative or flighty depending on how you look at it. However I come from a family of immigrants who are educated, well-traveled and a culture that believes in marrying well. By the way I am somewhat afraid of leaving him because I have grown attached and fear I will not find someone better or as loving. PLEASE ANSWER ME AND PLEASE SHARE MY LETTER WITH BW WHO MAYBE IN A SIMILAR SITUATION. Thank you for your blog and your constant reinforcement that BW deserve to live well.

PS- My mother loves him and thinks money will come if we put our heads together and make it work.

Sincerely,

MB

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MB, I once dated a black man who made gobs of money (he worked and had a lucrative legal side business).  He was a college graduate, but he wasn't on my level. This is what ultimately made me decide to break off the relationship.  I would never have had the QUALITY of life--that I already was living--with him.  He was very attracted to me because I was an untypical type of AA woman to him. I made him feel like the had "arrived," (he told me).  I brought  "the classy lifestyle" to this man's table and he loved that but he wasn't able to contribute anything to it--except for money.  He was willing to pay for that lifestyle and felt that was enough. I need for a man to have enough money, but a man has to have more than a lot of money to keep me interested in him. As a matter of fact, I think that men who are into spending lots of money or that bling lifestyle are foolish.  This guy loved to show off with his money (expensive vehicles, clothes, restaurants, etc.) and wanted me to dress the part, which indicated to me that he was insecure and felt he had to impress people in order for them to see him as  worthwhile, so I moved on.

Life, is ALWAYS a trade-off. No one can get ***everything*** they want in most situations in life.   I knew that I could get the type of man I wanted--or someone on my level, but I had to move to another state and away from everything that was familiar to me where I lived, to be with Darren--due to his job and other aspects of his life.  That was the tradeoff.  In your case, you have to decide whether you're willing and able to put in the time and effort to get who you want.

For me personally, a man with a hs diploma "might" have been fine-IF he could have compensated for it in various ways like: being well-read, well traveled, lots of exposure to diverse ideas and people, had similar values, could relate to me well, had sufficient income, had a comfort level with the things and people I like, etc. He could NOT have been a ***typical*** man with a high school diploma. There are wm and some foreign men I've met who didn't have the same educational level or income that I have, however, they could have brought lots to my table because of their social and/or cultural legacies that they received from their families and the general society--so same educational level (or college degree) is not always uppermost for me--though that's important. I've met men who've had more education than me who weren't on my level in CRITICAL ways. 

This is why a lot of this is a very personal decision for a woman to make. There are so many variables involved.

AA Women: Beware of "Green Card" Suitors!!!!!

The following note was sent to me privately by Mary, a young Nigerian-American woman who is a regular commenter on my essays.  THANK YOU, MARY!!!! 

AA women please read this CAREFULLY and be WARNED. Also, please tell your friends and acquaintances. I was once married to an honorable Nigerian man, but when I was with him, I often heard of these "green card" marriage where Nigerian and other African men would marry an AA woman just to get their green card (which allows these men to remain in the USA legally). The only problem with this is that the typical AA woman actually thought the man LOVED her, when in MOST cases, he was simply using her, her body, her money, her help in navigating through American society, etc.

 There were children that came from many of these unions, who sometimes these men would disregard and throw away, in favor of their children by their Nigerian spouse-- because YES, many of these guys were already married back in Nigeria and would USE the AA woman's money and other favors to help to support the family back in Africa. Most African men are not going to ever neglect their children in Africa if they can use an American woman to help them to avoid it because the traditional African cultures do not TOLERATE a man neglecting his children--AT ALL.  So if any child is going to be neglected, he will choose to neglect his child born to an American mother--whether the mother is black, white, Asian, Hispanic, or whatever.

So I know that what Mary says here is TRUE. I hate to see AA women USED in this manner. I know that most of them HAVE BEEN INDOCTRINATED TO BE foolish mammies, but this is so terrible. And it makes ALL black women look like FOOLS, simply because these women have been indoctrinated to be loyal to bm or a typical one of them believes the LIE that a non-bm won't want her! If ANY man is NOT TREATING you like he loves you, he does NOT LOVE YOU!! Leave him ALONE!! 

Tear away from your indoctrination and  date out AA women, so you can have lots more choices, so that you can stop acting SO DESPERATE!!!

___________________________

MARY said:

 One of my cousins just came from Africa in May 08 for my graduation. He wanted to stay here and get his papers (green card/citizenship) so that he could legally stay here. Numerous African boys advised him to go after AA women cause they were desperate (they specifically said AA women). They said to treat her nicely and buy her a used car and that'll convince her that you care about her. Then get your papers and leave.

In less than a week of being here, my AA aunt (who is married to one of my mom's useless cousins) introduced my cousin to her co-worker. The co-worker is pretty, soft-spoken, educated and makes good money BUT for some bizarre reason (to me) is interested in my cousin, lol. She calls him, texts him in the morning, 'morning baby' *barf*, the whole nine. They go on dates that she obviously pays for (my cousin is so shameless ). Somebody actually has to drop him off to the dates and she'll drop him off home. The saddest part of this story is that she wasn't the one that broke it off--HE broke it off cause SHE was getting too clingy ((((unbelievable!!!)))) He was having too much fun with other women to settle and think about his papers!!!!! He calls it a job to look good and go to the club so that he can 'get the girls' (saying it in a thick African accent, btw!! Hahahaha!!).

Since being here, he has met so many AA girls that he simply does not deserve to be with. He is jobless btw!!! My goodness!

 Another example, my mother's cousin's wife that introduced my cousin to her co-worker, my mom's cousin pursued her like crazy, why??? He was broke and needed his papers. Now she is educated with a great job, not to mention BEAUTIFUL (I usually don't gush over the beauty of women, but my aunt is BEAUTIFUL! Foxy Brown doesn't have anything on her; she is simply beautiful!!!!) She is gorgeous! also, she's the head of a department at her job. SHE MAKES REALLY GOOD MONEY!!! A white woman equivalent of my aunt would be considered a great prize by wm and white society. Right now she would be considered a great prize by wm. She is a GREAT beauty, what Elizabeth Taylor is in white society. Sorry to digress but she is beautiful Evia!! But again, he (with no papers and a lame job) pursued her like there was no tomorrow. Now I have to admit, my mom's cousin is really handsome (but give me a break, men are not prized for their beauty, that's a feminine role). Anyways, he convinced her that he's head over heels in love with her. So, she's convinced that to him she's the greatest thing since sliced bread. In return, she has done EVERYTHING for him, everything!!!

She pays the bills, the house is her name, they send HER money back home to Africa, the car he drives is hers, she does everything, everything for him…It's so sad. How does he repay her, how does he show how crazy he is over her…………he cheats on her as if women were becoming extinct. He cheats so bad some of his mail is sent to our house, especially his phone records. My AA aunt OBVIOUSLY has NO IDEA and deserves better. And I'm not saying a wm would automatically be better for her, but Geez, I bet a majority of them would hopefully treat her better. Having better standards would of course have saved her from a lot of grief that she will likely go through in the future with 2nd cousin. And the funny thing is she realizes that bm are not doing so well cause she often mentions that in Atlanta bw are doing so much better than bm, but she's one of those "bm only bw."

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Mary, this is really sickening, but I think we're witnessing evolution before our eyes.  Those bw who are smart enough to VET men, avoid these user-losers, and MATE OUT will survive and thrive.  The rest will just die out from diseases, broken spirits, bad mental and debilitating physical illnesses, shortened lives that prevent them from reproducing or that prevent them from reproducing early enough or sadly their children will definitely be AT-RISK, and they too will be killed off by more of the same.  This is sad but true.  This is evolution at work. Life has NEVER been fair and has NEVER had any mercy on FOOLS, soft hearts, and magical thinkers.

Underneath the facade of "civilization" is a shark mentality of the survivors and thrivers and each bw had better make a decision TODAY. I'm certainly not telling bw to become sharks, but I AM saying to any bw who is reading this: THINK WITH YOUR BRAIN--not with your genitals or your heart. This is why you have a brain.  Smile a lot but VET LIKE CRAZY! Be Shrewd and ***control*** your emotions!

Stop feeling sorry for these po' bm--no matter where they are from.  While you're feeling sorry for them, they're figuring out how to USE you and trade you in for another model. 

And Mary, the thing about being so beautiful as you describe the bw above as being is that beauty is a major liability if you're weak-brained and if you have no protectors. A beautiful woman will  only attract more predators and then she has no defense against them. She is therefore at a BIG disadvantage in a shark-filled social environment.  It is FAR better for a female in such an environment to have average looks, an averagely "smart" brain and control over her emotions.  So BRAINS are more IMPORTANT than beauty, in most cases for typical AA women, if they're living in this country in 2009.

And if you think that wm, am, hm are not taking note of this, THINK AGAIN.  Heads up! ***IF you can be used,*** somebody is coming around the corner right this minute to try to use you. And you can take that warning to the bank!

Shocking but True--A Woman is Attracted to a Man!!

Hi Evia,

My name is C____ and I am a 34-year old African-American single woman. I was browsing the internet one day and I happened to come across your website. This was probably about 6 months ago or so. I am so glad to see a website like yours and the others that are out there that I have perused. In 2007, I became tremendously attracted to a nonblack/white man. I experienced feelings for him that I did not know existed and I was 32 at the time. Ever since then, I have really opened myself up to nonblack men. I have had nonblack men express interest in me in the past and I was never uncomfortable with it. However, being much younger at the time, I never gave it much thought. Well, after experiencing a major crush on a white man in 2007, it has really caused me to open myself up to other options and not just limit myself to black men and I also experienced a major self-awareness. I do believe that there are good black men out there, but I have really, really come to realize after this experience that color doesn't matter. When you truly like someone, color sits so far in the back of your mind.

Just recently in October, I asked my father out of curiosity how would he feel if I dated or married a nonblack man. And he was honest and said he wouldn't be too happy about it and that he didn't want to see me get hurt. Basically, to stick within my own community of people and that there are exceptional black people out there and to try to find an educated black man. I told him living in Minnesota it is much more difficult to find educated black men, plus it is a predominantly white state. In addition, I told him that I am used to being around a lot of white people seeing that my sister & I were raised in MN. And just within the last 10-15 years has it become more diverse. I know my father means well and I respect his opinion, seeing that he is old enough to where he has lived through the Civil Rights era and the whole Jim Crow segregation. But at the same time, I feel like I wouldn't be true to myself and hypocritical if I were to adhere to his advice of only sticking to finding a mate within the black community, because I know how I have felt and still feel about this white man.

Again, I really appreciate and value all the information and insight that is on yourwebsite. .  . .  You take care and please keep up the good work of encouraging black women to marry a good man no matter his race or color. Thanks again.

 C

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 Thanks for your note, C.  I understand your father's hesitancy but I wonder why he has blotted out the possibility that you could ALSO be very hurt by a bm.   The absolute best advice would have been for him to protect his daughter by teaching her how to VET any man.   Apparently, your father is not aware of the possibility  of bm hurting bw or even the  high probability of that occurring??? So many people have ***selective amnesia*** when it comes to the possibility that a bm can use and abuse a bw. LOL!  Also, I think that maybe  many people ***think** that it doesn't hurt or doesn't hurt as much if a bm hurts or kills a bw, as opposed to a wm doing it. LOL!!!  MOST bw would agree that it's just the OPPOSITE since they don't expect for a "brotha" to harm them. 

Many "limited-thinking" people cannot believe that there are bw like you who feel "natural" attraction to a wm. LOL!  They almost always see something abnormal about it. It's as if they think bw and wm are from different species.   Unfortunately, many AAs (perhaps your father is one of them) are not able to adapt to current social circumstances and they will pay a high price for this inability to adapt or slowness in adapting. In evolutionary history, ANY animal or organism that cannot adapt  when environmental conditions change, dies out.  So we are seeing evolution take place in front of our eyes now, particularly among many AA women of the "bm ONLY type."  They simply will not be able to reproduce or their offspring will be the most "at-risk" proportionally speaking of course.

It's just WAY past time that we each simply become open and receptive to the most Quality, suitable and compatible possible mates. 

Despite the fact that folks work overtime to twist my message, I've said numerous times and from the beginning that "men are simply men," and that the main difference is that some men are QUALITY men and bring lots of valuable qualities and traits and other assets to a woman's life and some of them bring mostly grief.  Only "limited-thinking" people discriminate against a Quality person based on skin shade. So I encourage any bw to put herself in the midst of Quality men of any race, ethnicity, or background and to ONLY associate with men of that caliber.

 Anyway, I've posted your note because many of these limited-thinking folks are simply under-exposed. They need to read lots of real-life accounts like yours.

Saying "Thanks"

Hi Evia,

Thanks for your site. I am one of those bw who bought the line about "take your time, focus on your career, blah blah blah", and now I'm 45 and single. I love what you are telling young bw about being aggressive in finding a life partner of quality.

Funny thing is from high school till now, I've always been hit on by wm, but I was focused on that elusive bm who would appreciate and love me. Now I'm moving on. It may or may not be too late for children, but it's not too late to find love. Thanks for the swift kick in the pants! BTW are you familiar with Nicole C Mullen? She is a contemporary Christian singer whose husband is a wm. Her first album was full of pro-IR lyrics and her Christmas album title "Christmas in Black and White" also had a few pro-ir songs. Beliefs aside she has some very positive things to say.

Take Care,

 D.

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THANKS for your note, D, and--no, I'm not familiar with this singer. I'll have to check her out.