3 Black Female Interracial Marriage: Critical Thinking

Critical Thinking: Effects of Housing Crisis on BW

THANK YOU, SLOANE! I've put this article here (and I'll stick it in the FINANCE section also) because I think it's WAY past time for AA women to begin thinking CRITICALLY and shrewdly about the many situations that affect them.  I think that many AA women need to start pooling their money and other assets with EACH OTHER and do so via legal arrangements. I'm NOT talking about AA women friends just putting  their money together on the basis of an honor system. NO! Get a lawyer. Make it legal. Protect your interests at all times.

The bottom line is that WAITING to find a "QUALITY" man in order to start amassing wealth is a losing strategy because "time is money." The longer you wait, the more money you could have possibly made, but didn't. When you find that "Quality" man, you'll actually be in a better bargaining position and if not, you'll be more financially comfortable.

I would urge AA women to start viewing each other as possible business partners, property ownership partners, and even partners to live with (for social benefits and safety & support). If many of these single women in this article had purchased their homes with a partner or partners, their losses would have been significantly less.   AA women are really in a unique situation, and therefore their strategies for surviving and thriving need to be uniquely creative.

Anyway, if I had never married and I was in my 30s, this is EXACTLY what I'd do. 

It is so important for bw to be creative and CRITICAL thinkers!!!!!

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Housing crisis hammers women harder
Risky loans at root, studies determine

By Michael E. Kanell
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Published on: 04/12/08

Women on average were already in a more precarious economic position than men, and they appear to be taking much of the housing crisis hit.

Sales and prices are down. Foreclosures have spiked in Georgia and across the nation.

No one yet has a breakdown of the damage by gender. But studies show that women accounted for more than their share of the risky loans at the crest of the lending and buying boom.

"Women are disproportionately impacted by the fallout from the housing crisis," said Avis Jones-DeWeever, an affiliated scholar with the Institute for Women's Policy Research.

"People are losing their homes, or they are on the cusp of losing their homes," said Jones-DeWeever, in Atlanta for a three-day conference on economic justice that began Friday.

During years of spectacular sales that ended in 2006, home prices in much of the country leaped by double digits annually.

In Georgia, where builders were adding more than 50,000 homes a year to the market, prices rose less sensationally, but still steadily.

Homeowners took enormous amounts of money from their homes by cashing out equity —- while assuming that their home value would keep rising.

When the bubble burst, many homeowners found themselves owing more on their mortgage than the house was worth.

They couldn't refinance. They couldn't get cash for equity.

Worse, many faced higher rates or other financial trouble and couldn't make their monthly payments.

For women, who tend to have less income and wealth as a cushion, that adds up to danger, Jones-DeWeever said. "Women are more likely to fall into a financial crisis, and when they are in crisis it's harder to get out."

Women on average tend to be financial losers after divorce. Those who are left with children and the house find themselves more likely to have trouble making mortgage payments.

Many thousands of single women in recent years have been home buyers in their own names. They have, on average, less income than single men, but they take greater financial risks, according to a study by Rachel Drew, research analyst at the Joint Center on Housing at Harvard University.

"They tend to buy smaller homes and condos, but they tend to stretch their incomes to do so," she said.

About 43 percent of single women were using more than 30 percent of their income each month on housing payments, she said. Just 30 percent of unmarried men and 25 percent of married couples were spending more than 30 percent.

Moreover, a disproportionate number of the women received risky loans, said economist Eileen Appelbaum of Rutgers University. "Women at every income level are a lot more likely than men to end up with subprime mortgages."

In 2005, just before the housing boom crested, women received 37 percent of the higher-cost home loans known as subprime, and just 28 percent of the prime loans, according to the National Community Reinvestment Coalition, a nonprofit community development organization.

Subprime loans, originally intended for borrowers with checkered credit histories, are especially risky when given to homeowners with modest incomes.

That arrangement can leave the borrower just one layoff or illness away from financial disaster.

Raising the odds further, many loans were written with rates that climbed after a "teaser" period of a year, two or three. Roughly one of every five subprime loans will end up in foreclosure, according to the Center for Responsible Lending, a consumer advocacy group.

Women overall were 32 percent more likely to receive a subprime mortgage than men, according to a report by the Consumer Federation of America.

Yet the higher-risk loans were not limited to lower-income women, either: "Disparity between men and women increases as incomes rise," according to the CFA report.

In 2005, about one-third of women home buyers took mortgages with interest rates of more than 7.66 percent —- at a time when the average prime mortgage rate was 5.87 percent, according to the CFA.

Just one-quarter of men took rates at that higher level. As many of the loans go bad, much of the damage may be concentrated in the black community, said Jones-DeWeever.

"In the black community, half of home purchases are black women," she said. "And a disproportionate number of them are single mothers."

PAY COMPARISON

Median earnings in 2006

Georgia, men: $40,646

Georgia, women: $31,637

United States, men: $42,210

United States, women: $32,649

Source: U.S. Census Bureau

GENDER BIAS?

> In 2005, about one-third of women took mortgages with interest rates of more than 7.66 percent —- when the average prime mortgage rate was 5.87 percent. About one-quarter of men took rates at the higher level.

> Women overall are 32 percent more likely to receive a subprime mortgage than men.

> High-income black women were five times more likely to get a subprime mortgage than high-income white men.

PAYOUT PICTURE

Percentage of people spending more than 30 percent of monthly income on housing (figures are for 2000-03)

> Single women: 43%

> Single men: 30%

> Married couples: 25%

Sources: Consumer Federation of America, Joint Center on Housing at Harvard University

 

In Other Words: Money Can Be a Relationship-Buster

This article was supplied by blog researcher and columnist, KR. Thank you for this piece!!

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By TARA SIEGEL BERNARD

IF you ask married people why their marriage works, they are probably not going to say it’s because they found their financial soul mate.

But if they are lucky, they have. Marrying a person who shares your attitudes about money might just be the smartest financial decision you will ever make. In fact, when it comes to finances, your marriage is likely to be your most valuable asset — or your largest liability.

Marrying for love is a relatively recent phenomenon. For centuries, marriages were arranged affairs, aligning families for economic or political purposes or simply pooling the resources of those scraping by.

Today, while most of us marry for romantic reasons, marriage at its core is still a financial union. So much of what we want — or don’t want — out of life boils down to dollars and cents, whether it’s how hard we choose to work, how much we consume or how much we save. For some people, it’s working 80-hour weeks to finance a third home and country club membership; for others, it means cutting back on office hours to spend more time with the family.

“A lot of the debates people have about money are code for how we want to live our lives,” said Betsey Stevenson, assistant professor of business and public policy at the University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School, who researches the economics of marriage and divorce. “A lot of the choices we make in how we want to live our lives involve how we spend our money.”

Making those choices as a team is one of the most important ways to preserve your marital assets, and your union, experts say. But it’s that much easier when you already share similar outlooks on money matters — or when you can, at the very least, find some middle ground.

The economies achieved by pairing up are fairly obvious. However, the costs of divorce can be financially devastating, especially when children are involved. And, not surprisingly, money manages to force a wide wedge between many couples.

“Most people think people break up over sex issues and children issues — and those are issues — but money is a huge factor in breaking up marriages,” said Susan Reach Winters, a divorce lawyer in Short Hills, N.J..

Not everyone is married to a financial twin, and that’s not necessarily a problem. There are several ways that you and your significant other can become more compatible, and ultimately more prosperous, when it comes to money.

These guidelines are compiled from the successfully married and from experts on psychology, divorce and finance:

TALK AND SHARE GOALS Before walking down the aisle, couples should have a talk about their financial health and goals. They should ask each other tough questions: Do we want children? When? Who will care for them? Will they go to public or private school?

What kind of life do we want? When will we retire?

“In my ideal plan for couples, they would have a meeting every week on their finances,” said Karen Altfest, a financial planner who runs the New York firm L. J. Altfest & Company, with her husband, Lewis. “That way, they are in sync with each other’s goals.”

Set those goals together. Jerry Ballard, 58, a former insurance executive in Houston, said that he and his wife of 36 years, Susan, also 58, managed to avoid money clashes because they share a savings philosophy. “The cardinal rule was that we don’t interrupt our savings,” he said, adding that they saved between 10 and 20 percent of their salaries each year. As long as they did that, they were less likely to disagree about spending.

Eric Gundlach, 53, of Owings Mills, Md., who has been married for 29 years, said he and his wife, Ann-Michele, “made our expectations explicit.” These included sending their son to private school and having big experiences, like traveling, in lieu of purchasing things.

RUN A HOME LIKE A BUSINESS Make a budget and keep track of earnings, expenses and debts. And structure your business as a partnership; when it comes to making big financial decisions and setting goals, do it together. “When they are making the decisions together, they really have ownership of those decisions and any results of those decisions,” said Mary Ann Sisco, national wealth adviser at JPMorgan’s private wealth management division. “Even if you have negative results, you tend to weather the storm better.”

Share responsibilities, too. Though one partner tends to control the finances, advisers recommend rotating tasks. One person should handle investments for a certain period, while the other pays the bills; rotate and repeat.

BE SUPPORTIVE OF CAREERS Having a supportive partner helps you professionally, which should trickle down to your mutual bottom line. “Marrying the right person helps you succeed in your career through encouragement and support, the only kind of support that comes through a supportive, intimate relationship,” said Mr. Gundlach, whose wife backed his decision to start a management consulting practice after 22 years as a human resources executive.

ENJOY, BUT WITHIN REASON Create a cash cushion, and live a lifestyle you can sustain. Many people who were working at hedge funds that went bust or financial firms like Bear Stearns are learning these lessons now. Ms. Sisco, of JPMorgan, said that because her younger clients haven’t experienced a downturn, they assumed the money would keep pouring in.

She said she is working with one couple in their early 30s who have two young children. Right before the husband lost his job on Wall Street, the couple had ordered $35,000 drapes. They had to move to a smaller apartment in Manhattan and had to sell their vacation home.

USE A MEDIATOR Perhaps both of you have strong yet divergent opinions about how to invest. Or maybe you are a saver while your spouse prefers to hand over a big piece of earnings to Bavarian Motor Works. An independent third party, whether a financial planner or a therapist, can help you find a middle ground.

Marc B. Schindler, a financial planner at Pivot Point Advisors in Bellaire, Tex., recently did this for a client who complained that his wife spent a thousand dollars a month on her wardrobe. Mr. Schindler then contacted the wife, who said her husband spent just as much on dinner with his buddies. So the husband asked Mr. Schindler to show how much they would save if they invested the $12,000 she spent each year. Mr. Schindler — careful to title the report “Clothing, Dinner or Invested?” — ran an analysis and found that the couple would have $1.6 million after 28 years, assuming a 9 percent rate of return. “They are going to try and compromise,” he said.

MAINTAIN SOME INDEPENDENCE Pooling resources is important, but so is maintaining a degree of financial independence. Carve out some money for both partners to spend on things that make them happy. And when paring back, it’s essential that each person make sacrifices.

INVEST IN YOUR MARRIAGE Spend it — time and money — together. Go on dates. “What that does is enliven the marital foundation,” said Gary S. Shunk, a Chicago therapist who specializes in wealth issues. “It’s a kind of investment into the heart and soul of the relationship.”

Think of it as dollar-cost averaging your marriage, where you make small investments over time. If you wait until retirement, it could be too late.

Melanie Schnoll-Begun, a managing director in the Citigroup Family Office, worked with a couple that waited too long. The husband had amassed great wealth for the family, and his wife kept a beautiful home. But once the husband retired, “they found out that over the years they grew so far apart that they didn’t have enough in common,” she said.

“They had this magnificent wealth, and it was the building of this wealth that ultimately led to their divorce.”

Source: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/10/business/businessspecial3/10WED.html?_r=1&em=&oref=slogin&pagewanted=print

In Other Words: Good Sex is About Woman's Enthusiasm, He says

Thanks, CW for the link to this article below! The following is an excerpt from this ARTICLE. Please go to the site and read the entire article and the comments. ____________________________

I’m a guy, and I would say that on the general spectrum of guys, I’m a pretty normal guy. I know lots of other normal guys and I can comfortably say I understand how normal guys think. So I would like to address some of these recurring themes from a normal guy’s perspective.

The reason I actually started this post is the recurring theme of guys who make fun of a woman’s “skills” in the bedroom. At first, I couldn’t honestly believe this actually happened in real life. It’s like finding out that Cthulhu rose from the depths thirty-two years ago and now has a theme park in Sheboygan. It’s both too surreal and too horrible to imagine.

Ladies, I realize this sounds painfully obvious, but just to be totally clear: if a guy EVER makes fun of your “skills,” run away. If he does this semi-publicly in front of either his or your friends, slap him and then run far away. If he does this openly in public (say a bar or sporting event) slap him, run away, and hire someone to have him whacked. Most guys I know (myself included) would do this for you free-of-charge just to try and redeem the rest of our gender.

Bedroom time isn’t a skills test. Normal guys don’t go into the bedroom with a grading sheet. Laughter is sexy, and if something funny happens during a sexual encounter, normal guys just hope they didn’t embarrass themselves too badly.

Now, I’m not saying every moment in bed is going to be straight out of a romance novel or have direct-from-porn production values…but this isn’t comparison time. Ever. This is non-negotiable. Any guy who uses the following phrases in or about the bedroom should be publicly executed after you drop him on his ass:

- “That’s not how [ex-lover's name] did [sex-act], I really miss that.”
- “Have you ever done this before?”
- “You need to watch more porn. It’s educational.”
- “Now, I’m not calling you a prude, but some guys would.”
- “You stopped going to the gym, didn’t you?”
- “If you loved me, you’d try it.”

(Obviously this list isn’t all-inclusive, and I will gladly take suggestions and add them to the list with credit).

No group of guys sits around making fun of the women they’ve been with. If guys get together, the guy who did that would be stared at and then shunned. If, somewhere in this universe, there IS a group of guys that do this (and some blog posts lead me to believe that there might be), please believe me when I say that they are minions of Satan. They ARE NOT HUMAN. They cast no reflection in a mirror, no matter how many times their vain little heartless-voids look. Please drive a wooden stake through them as your duty to humanity. No jury of your peers will convict you; we will, however, probably give you a medal.

Seriously though, do NOT tolerate this. Do NOT give it even one millisecond of thought. No woman is “bad at sex” even if she’s not gifted at stroking some particular infantile jackass’s…ego.

I realize that seems counter-intuitive. I’m sure everyone reading this can think of an example from their own past and say “ah ha! You don’t know what you’re talking about! I KNOW better!” But you’re missing my point. A sexual encounter can go badly, be unsatisfying or just not “work” for a lot of reasons; but NONE of them are due to a woman’s “skills” because it just doesn’t work that way. Period.

The primary reason a sexual encounter goes badly, based on my experience and the collective experiences of my friends (male and female), is miscommunication. Not skills, not stamina, not flexibility, not size/shape/color, just simple miscommunication.

Let me share a not-very-well-kept secret about guys: we all still have that pubescent man-child in the back of our heads that’s completely terrified that we don’t know what we’re doing or if we’re doing it right. All of us. It never shuts up.

Where women have intuition and logic, we have a squeaky twelve-year-old constantly second guessing every little thing we say or do. Doesn’t matter if we’re sixteen or ninety-six, it never goes away. I know some guys who have “notched a couple hundred up on the bedpost,” and some guys who’s confidence and ease with women confounds their peers; and all of them admit that the voice is still there…they just got better at drowning him out.

Now, that voice is a two edge sword…

On the one hand, that voice is the reason that no matter what, no matter when or where or how or even why, if you take off your shirt, we’re excited. Somewhere inside every guy is a voice that shouts out “Boobies!” every time we see them. Twenty years, three kids, and a second-mortgage into a marriage, and a husband will still have a voice in his head that shouts “Boobies!” if you walk out of the bathroom after a shower with the robe untied.

On the other hand, the voice is completely ignorant of relationships or commitment. If it sees the next door neighbor walking from room to room with the blinds open while changing her bra, it WILL shout “Boobies!” then too. It is TOTALLY unreliable for making good decisions. Period.

Do you want to know what drives a man during sex? That pubescent man-child in the back of our heads. You are the gatekeeper, he is the keymaster, and the only things guys have to steer the squeaky twelve-year-old with are the psychological equivalents of a laser pointer and a squirt gun.

Do you want to know the ONE thing that overcomes the man-child’s inherent fear and doubt? The ONE thing that will make him worship even the most naive virgin as a sexual goddess? Enthusiasm.

Enthusiasm is the only gauge we use. And this is where miscommunication becomes so dangerous. If you have reservations or personal issues with a specific act, a certain level of intimacy or even sexual intimacy at all, or just aren’t sure that the time/place/partner is right, it is very likely that any attempted sexual session will not be as fulfilling as you or he want.

If you aren’t sure whether or not to go to bed with a guy, let me give you some advice that neither I nor any other guy would actually admit to giving: don’t. If you aren’t sure, it’s unlikely that you will be very enthusiastic about the encounter. If you aren’t enthusiastic, it’s pretty unlikely that it will be any good for either of you.

Notice how at NO point did I say it would affect your skills. Because that’s just bullshit. The kind of bullshit that the man-child would spew out to try and make himself feel better. To convince himself and other’s that it wasn’t his fault. Because, honestly, that’s his greatest fear: to be told he’s as bad at it as he thinks he is.

Now, I’m NOT advocating abstinence. I’m all for people having as much enthusiastic sex as they want under just about whatever circumstances they’re comfortable having it. But if you aren’t sure if you want to go to bed with a guy, don’t.

If you’ve been hurt before, and you’re not sure if you’re ready to get back into that particular arena, I would suggest a simple test, “can you be enthusiastic with [name of potential partner]?” If the answer is yes, then maybe you should take a chance, bang his brains out with gusto and leave him weak and spent with a huge grin on his face. If the answer is no, then save yourself and your potential partner an uncomfortable exit, averted glances, and quick changes of direction on the sidewalk in the weeks to come.

So far most of the advice has been sort of focused on “first time” issues, but the basics here apply to every stage of a relationship. If something is bothering you or affecting your enthusiasm for sexual play, communicate it clearly. Normal guys WON’T hold this against you…in fact we’ll be relieved. See, the thing guys are most afraid of is doing something “wrong” in the bedroom…and anything that leads us to think that something IS wrong will be agonized over endlessly in a vicious circle of doubt and bravado until our heads explode. Because no matter what is actually affecting you, we will always blame ourselves and our abilities. Always.

Also be advised that the vicious circle of doubt generally renders us powerless to the man-child. This is bad, because he’s an infantile little ass-hole. Always.

If it IS something we’re doing wrong; bumping your cervix, forgetting the foreplay, doing it like a bull rider (lasting for eight seconds), or just making funny faces at inopportune times; whatever it is, just break it to us gently. Then, be willing to work on it with us. Try some extra enthusiasm if we get it right, Pavlov’s dogs have NOTHING over on a guy in bed.

1) Guys actually like foreplay. Guys are intimidated by feminine complexity. These two factors epitomize the opposing forces in a guy’s brain. There’s an old example of this where male sexuality is illustrated with a picture of a single large red push-button. Female sexuality is illustrated with a picture of the cockpit of a 747 Jumbo Jet. The intimidation factor tends to lead to “video-game” syndrome for guys. If we can push all the right buttons, and make all the right movements, we “win” the game (foreplay accomplished). The next phase of “video-game” syndrome is trying to push the buttons and make the movements faster…to win sooner…which is actually the opposite of how foreplay works, but we don’t instinctively know that. We just want to “win” as fast as possible. It becomes more about how fast and how many times we can win, and NOT about how well we play the game.

Addressing “video-game” syndrome can be tricky. One the one hand you don’t want to tell the man-child he’s not doing it right, but on the other hand the adult mind wants to know that everything is working as intended. If you find yourself down the “video-game” syndrome path, all I can say is be gentle, but be through. Explain what will make the experience better (longer flight time) and then be willing to engage in practice. It’s probably pretty rare that a guy wouldn’t take you up on an opportunity to spend quality time with your girl parts.

And remember what I said about enthusiasm.

2) There is no such thing as a “good” or a “bad” blow-job. Generally, we prefer that you cover your teeth with your lips…but we’re not dumb enough to complain if you don’t. Guys with an IQ below 20 are still smart enough not to complain. Guys that ARE dumb enough to complain shouldn’t be afforded an opportunity to pass on their genes, even by accident. Please take that into account.

3) Guys experience sexual sensations in very general ways. The penis is not, in fact, a precision tool. It’s a blunt instrument. Small changes in pace, sensation, angle or pressure are pretty much indeterminable. The male is generally designed to “do things,” not differentiate different things “done” to him.

4) PHYSICALLY, different sexual positions are really for you, not us. SEEING you in different sexual positions is TOTALLY for us. By and large we think we want to be porn stars. Porn LOOKS exciting, we like to be excited, vis-à-vis sex should LOOK like porn. Yes, we really are that stupid.

5) According to Douglas Adams, 42 is the answer to “Life, the Universe and Everything”…but the questions are different for men and women. I have no idea what the question is for women, but for men it’s usually “how many states and capitals can you name before crossing the point of no return?” Sometimes we don’t get all the way to Rhode Island. Sometimes YOU won’t get to Rhode Island. Sometimes we won’t be able to drive you to Rhode Island before…well, before the wheels go flat. Remember enthusiasm. Remember practice. Remember that we probably DO care if you’re happy, and we’d like nothing more than to know what makes you enthusiastic.

We know you don’t like the man-child. He comes out when we get drunk, or just stupid, and he says things and does things that you hate. But we hate him too, and we’re afraid of him. Any guy who isn’t is probably exactly the kind of ass-hole who talks about a woman’s “skills” in the bedroom. And we all know what should happen to him…

Normal guys really do want to be about the romance, about the emotion, about the connection…but we share space with an infantile little ass-hole in our heads. The best we can usually do is a compromise somewhere between shouting “Boobies!” out-loud, and being in the emotional and romantic moment.

The next time you’re in your guy’s arms, sharing a passionate kiss…look deep into his eyes. You just might be able to see the adult chasing the adolescent with a laser pointer and a squirt gun.

In Other Words: Keep that Conversation Moving!

This ARTICLE was contributed by blog researcher, Energize who said: "This article may help some who are rusty (or just plain shy) in the flirting department ."

THANKS heaps, Energize!! This is a FAB contribution to this 'critical thinking, critical skills' blog because it teaches HOW to have an engaging conversation with anyone, how to prevent the conversation from stalling.

Sistas, I want y'all to start using this skill TODAY and report your results back here. BUT let me be the first to tell you that this WORKS. As I mentioned to Energize, I automatically do this. If you give me one word, I can extend it into a life-long conversation with you. I never realized before that this is a great skill I have. So I want y'all to try this out, starting today. First of all, try it out with several people who you're not particularly that interested in, but THEN try it out with maybe an attractive man! Ooooh la-la!! LOL!! At the very least, you will undoubtedly meet and easily engage in conversations with people who are outside your normal comfort zone who may likely lead you into other rewarding zones for your life.

Remember, try it with whomever, and report your results here.

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Source: CNN online

Life coach Gail Blanke went to acting school to learn to improvise in any situation. Turns out the tricks that actors use on stage can help you score a date, land a job -- or just make any conversation more engaging.

If you repeat what someone else says and then start next phrase with 'and' that comment can become conversation.

There's no getting around it. We live in an unscripted world. You can rehearse in front of a mirror till the cows come home -- for that job interview, for that meeting where you're expected to speak, for the moment when you finally walk up to that very attractive guy at the gym and introduce yourself. But the minute there's another person involved, the script goes out the window. If you mean to make an impression, you have to be able to think on your feet, hurl yourself into the moment, and improvise.

How? Well, obviously, some people are simply naturals. To help the rest of us develop some techniques, I turned to the professionals.

An actor friend had told me about the Upright Citizens Brigade (UCB), a highly respected training center for comic improv in New York City, so I called up the academic supervisor, Joe Wengert, and asked if I could sit in on one of his classes. Luckily, he said yes. And saying yes, it turns out, is nothing less than the heart and soul of improv. But more on that in a minute. Real Simple: When friends behave badly

Here's the first thing I learned in that class: Advancing the dialogue -- or "moving the scene forward," as they say in the acting world -- is what improvising is all about. It's the same deal if you are onstage, in a boardroom, or trying to get your point across at a PTA meeting. "Dead air" is verboten in acting, and it doesn't work too well in life, either. You either take the conversation into new territory or you kill it.

So to make better connections with people and to get what you want -- whether it's a promotion at work, a new relationship, or simply a delightful conversation -- you have to be ready to "move the scene forward." I watched the 14 men and women in that improv class invent hilarious, fast-moving dialogue on the spur of the moment with words like "beach," "reunion," or (my favorite) "eating contest" as their only direction. And, boy, did they take the scenes to some pretty wild places. Still, I actually believed them.

What's their secret? Interestingly, all the improv actors I spoke to pretty much agreed that the following three principles are at the heart of their art. And, without exception, they use them to propel conversations forward in their real lives, too.

1. The "yes...and" technique

How it works: Say two actors are given the words "blueberry pie" with which to create a scene. It might go:

Actor 1: "I made a blueberry pie."

Actor 2: "Yes, you made a blueberry pie. And you remember the last time we had blueberry pie?"

Actor 1: "Yes, I remember. We took a picnic into the woods, and that's when you said you wanted to join a nudist colony."

You see what's happening? Suddenly there's a story; suddenly there's a direction and a purpose. Using the simple words "yes...and" moves the scene into new territory, and that's where new possibilities occur.

How to make it work for you: So let's say it's Monday and you're at the gym and that very attractive guy says, "It was a beautiful weekend." If all you say is "Yes, it was great," that ends the conversation right there. But if you say, "Yes, it was great. And I really made the most of it. I went to a concert in the park and brought my yellow Lab. He snatched a sandwich right out of the hands of some poor woman having a picnic. But we had fun."

Now you've got something. You can follow up with "Do you like dogs?" or "Have you ever been to a concert in the park?" And, bingo, the next thing you know, you're on your way to another concert in the park with none other than that very attractive guy. (Maybe minus the dog.)

The "yes...and" technique gives you the chance to acknowledge what's been said and then move the conversation to a new place, where you just might discover something -- or someone -- delightful.

Using "yes...and" can also help you direct a conversation to where you want it to go. Here's an example: Your son says, "I hate my math teacher." Instead of saying, "Well, that's just silly" or, distractedly, "Aha," and ending the conversation right there, you could say, "Yes, you hate your math teacher. And that reminds me of how much you hated your history teacher -- until you started to love her. Remember? I mean, things can change, right?"

I recently tried "yes...and" at a meeting of the board of governors of the small golf club in Connecticut that I belong to. One board member gravely announced some disturbing news: "The porta-potty is quite close to the women's tee on the seventh hole, and some of the women have complained about the, uh, odor and noise." There was silence while we all pondered this momentous issue. "Yes," I said, leaping in. "It's close all right. And we should move it to the men's tee." It got a laugh, but more important, new suggestions were offered, the problem was resolved, and we moved on. I mean, I definitely "forwarded the scene." Real Simple: Easy ways to exit awkward situations

2. Go with your gut

How it works: Improv actors don't think too much before they speak. And, in the experience of those I spoke to, the first, intuitive thought is usually the best anyway. "There's no time to rationalize, no time to weigh the pros and cons of your response," says Mike Ross, a 34-year-old lawyer and a student at the UCB.

Or as Yogi Berra put it: "You can't think and hit at the same time."

How to make it work for you: Try to break the habit of second-guessing yourself before you speak. While you're busy thinking up the "right" response, that awkward silence is settling in.

Imagine that you're in a job interview. Of course you've memorized your list of "strengths" and come up with a good answer for the inevitable question about your "weaknesses" and all the reasons why you'd be perfect in this position. But your prospective boss doesn't ask you about any of that. Instead, she says, "So what in the world would make you want to join a crazy company like this, where people work around the clock and just about everything changes every day?"

Rather than struggling to come up with the perfect scripted response by saying, "Well, uh, you ask an interesting question. Let's see, I, uh...," listen to the voice inside your head. Trust it. And start speaking without critiquing yourself (which is when those ums and uhs jump in). Maybe you'll say, "Well, why do you do it?" which isn't perfect, but it's just fine. Or "Well, if you love what you're doing, I guess it doesn't matter, does it?" Or maybe you'll blurt out something like "What? Are you all nuts?" In which case, you'll probably break the ice and get a laugh.

The key is to trust your instinct. And the key to that is to practice, so when it comes to the crunch, you know your intuition isn't going to pull any lousy tricks on you.

Try these exercises to hone your intuitive responses.

• "Watch Desperate Housewives or 30 Rock and assume you are one of the characters," suggests Mike. "Respond out loud to whatever is going on with whatever comes into your head. Be outrageous, be crazy, but keep the scene going." Will you put your foot in your mouth sometimes? Absolutely. In improv, you go on as if that's what you meant to do. If you act like you meant it, the audience will buy it. That works in real life, too.

• Play speed improv games with friends at a dinner party or on the beach. Throw out a word or a phrase, like "shower curtain," "police precinct," or "family reunion." Tell them about the "yes...and" technique and take turns creating a fast-talking scene where you have to think on the fly. Real Simple: How to handle sticky situations

3. Make everyone else in your group look good.

How it works: Here's what you learn in improv: You're nothing without somebody else. There's nothing to improvise without someone to improvise with. The more you trust others to be your props, the more you invite them to shine, the stronger you get.

Sammy Buck, a 39-year-old UCB student and a writer said he was astounded at how much satisfaction he feels when playing a supporting role in a scene. "In improv, I've learned I'm as happy to help move things forward as I am to take the lead," he says. "Maybe even happier."

How to make it work for you: In any situation, practice acknowledging the others in your group (the "yes") and always make an effort to promote their ideas (the "and"). It quite simply makes for better conversation.

For instance, you're at the first meeting of a newly formed book club. You've read the book. You've even made notes about what you liked and didn't like. You're really prepared to look smart. But that's not what you're here for, is it?

So when the host asks, "What did you think of the book? Did you like it?" instead of running through your list of critiques, you say, "Yes, I loved it. I thought it was so touching, especially at the end. But I was really impressed when Lydia told me how she thought the ending could have been different. I'd love to hear her talk more about that." It's such a relief -- and so much more enjoyable for everyone -- when you don't have to prove yourself to be the smartest person in the room.

It's so easy to incorporate these improv techniques into your life. And, with a bit of practice and observation, you'll be winging it like a pro before you know it.

Whenever you have a chance, watch improv artists at work and learn from them. Catch Larry David on HBO's "Curb Your Enthusiasm," which uses dialogue that is largely improvised. Or rent any Robin Williams movie. Boy, talk about tapping into your intuition! Nobody does it better or has more fun with it.

Better still, consider taking an improv class yourself. Check the listings for local acting schools or community centers. Bring a friend with you. Let yourself go. And, hey, you might even move your own scene forward in ways you never dreamed you could.

In Other Words: Finding and Keeping a Life Partner

Thanks a bunch, KR (blog researcher) for sending me this article. It's a great resource for bw who are in the process of learning: how to vet a mate, approach a relationship, and have a long-term successful, fulfilling relationship. This is GOOD stuff!! ______________ When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Miss. Right! If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: 'We're in love'; I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date. "Choosing a life partner should never be based on love." Though this may sound 'not politically correct', there's a profound truth here. Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: 'You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone'; You need a lot more!!! Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION#1: Do we share a common life purpose? Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common Life purpose.
Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or (2) you can grow apart. 0% of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life! Bottom line; and marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION#2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person? This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust- i.e. trust that I won't get 'punished'; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.
A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION#3: Is he/she a mensch? (Webster defines mensch--pronounced mench--as a person of integrity or honor) A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as 'someone who is always striving to be good and do the right things', So ask about your significant other. What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement. There are essentially two types of people in the world: (1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and (2) people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION#4: How does he/she treat other people? The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the following: - How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc. - How do they treat their parents and siblings?
- Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything. Can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION#5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married? Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to 'improve'; them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it: 'You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse' If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework. Another perspective....There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance....It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention.....Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know, or appreciate you?

The more you seek QUALITY, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life. An African proverb states, 'Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye'; Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, pity, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren't really that important.

1) Do you bring out the best in each other? 2) Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control? 3) What do you bring to the relationship? 4) Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain? You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and 'a life'; you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG ARE:
1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes)
8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace it.

Happiness keeps You Sweet, Trials keep You Strong, Sorrows keep You Human, Failures keep You Humble, Success keeps You Glowing, But......... . Only God keeps You Going! 'In search for me, I discovered truth. In search for truth, I discovered love and in search for love, I discovered God. In God, I have found everything.' 'Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goals.'...

Author Unknown