Thanks for this YT LINK, Lorraine that normalizes black women taking advantage of their options to be chosen by or to mingle and mate with who they feel is best for them. For me, this is so normal, but maybe that's because I was married to, lived, and raised children with a man from another vastly different culture in his country and in his cultural milieu in this country for 25 years.
So, to me, it's just weird that some people still struggle internally when they see black women with men of other ethnicities.
By the time my granddaughter is old enough to marry, I want pairings like this to be fully normalized so that she feels totally free to mix, mingle with, choose and be chosen by the most CQLL man that her heart desires, as I--her grandmom--have experienced. My life has been tremendously enriched by loving and being loved across these artificial boundary lines. I try to do my part here to pave the way for that for the many young girls in the upcoming generations.
I believe we all owe that to the girls today because we know this was not made possible for many black American women in their 20s, 30s, and 40s now, who were raised to duck and dodge opportunities for love, IF the man looked similar to this one. Now that they're older, some black women live with regrets about this. I've heard from a good number of these women over the past years I've blogged. One thing I told myself when I was a very young woman was that I was going to be careful, but I was never going to live with this type of regret.
Yesterday was Easter Sunday, so Darren and I joined my sons and grandchildren for an early dinner. Since the theme of the holiday is resurrection, I want to revisit the form of cultural resurrection or RUCOSS (Reasonably Uplifting Culture of Some Sort) that I've beaten the drum so much about in my articles here, because there was never a time when it was needed more than now, particularly among some segments of black women in America. The idea of an uplifting culture never becomes stale. It's always critically important. Without uplifting cultural standards and guidance geared to what a particular segment of people MOST need, a lot of people in that segment will fall off the tracks and get lost forever.
Why does creating or resurrecting culture continue to be very important to me?
1. Due to my academic and experiential background in Cultural Anthropology, I remain intensely interested in the cultural aspects of life.
2. I think my sons will raise their children in a similar way to the way they were raised, and I don't want my grandchildren to have to stumble through sociocultural lessons that I've already mastered. Not when I can make it plain to them before any stumbling starts. Now, of course, they will only use some of what I say, but just like I tried to ignore my shrewd grandmother's common sense teachings, I always came back to those teachings when I needed them. LOL! They will do this too. In other words, it's far better to have knowledge that you don't need than to never have that knowledge in the first place.
3. Resurrecting a culture is kind of like sketching out a pathway for my progeny to follow. So, I dedicate all of my writings and recordings on these RUCOSS topics to those precious ones who will inherit a portion of my DNA. I think that what I'm documenting may prove especially priceless to my granddaughter and segments of her female contemporaries. I say that because a female's life is quite different than a male's because she's a female. Because of their biology, females are still at a key disadvantage in the world in ways. For instance, here's just one way that's constantly discussed. When an unpartnered female gets pregnant, she MUST deal with the pregnancy one way or the other. She can decide to have the child alone and struggle, or not. But if she aborts the child, she STILL has to deal with the emotional and sometimes physical and moral trauma of not having the child.
So why doesn't the unpartnered woman ALWAYS use contraceptives 100% of the time to prevent any unwanted pregnancy? Once again, it's not nearly as simple as that. The fact is that the most effective contraceptives are powerful chemicals and/or other intrusive foreign implanted devices in a woman's body. There ARE side effects to having any strong chemical or foreign substance(s) or devices in the body. Let's face it: All chemicals are a form of poison. Sometimes, they have a minimal negative impact but sometimes not. I'm sure many health professionals could write chapter and verse about this.
I've experienced some of this because before I got married, I always used at least 2 types of contraceptives SIMIULTANEOUSLY, and sometimes 3. LOL! I was determined that there would be NO pregnancy, however, I ended up in the emergency room in Brooklyn just about every other month due to these contraceptives. That was the price I paid. There's always a price to pay for everything, and it didn't matter whether I was sexually active since some of the most effective contraceptives were/are always in your body or must be used whether you're sexually active of not. But I was a strong believer in MASSIVE contraception. So I suffered. I'm NOT saying that all women experience side effects, or to this extent, but I KNOW that they're paying some sort of price because life is made up of trade offs like that. For everybody. Nature is super powerful and it's natural for a young woman's body to conceive babies, if there's ANY chance of it.
Males don't have to pay THAT type of price. Many males escape that price totally, but due to a female's biology, she rarely ever totally escapes. The female still shoulders the bulk of the blame and the life-changing struggle from having unplanned/unwanted pregnancies or children. I'm not blaming the males for having a different biology. They just do. However, being a female can be wonderful if you're smart or have smart guidance. I want my granddaughter to have the knowledge to manage both the advantages and disadvantages of her biology successfully.
I certainly want my grandson(s) to draw what's of value to a male from my teachings too, but since I'm a female, I don't really "know" what it takes to develop males to live well. I could act like a know-it-all and say I know, but I don't. I have a whole lot more insight about guiding females--both to get on and stay on the 'live well' path because I've lived it, and I've had good results. However, I know what I "think" would do that for males, but it would only be trial and error. My sons have done well by this society's standards, but I shaped them the same way I would have shaped daughters. LOL That's the best I knew to do. Looking back, what I did for them that had the best impact on them: I chose a devoted dad; taught them from the day they were born that they were the most special human beings that had ever landed on this earth; and made sure they were surrounded overwhelmingly by positive inputs of people, places, things, including a good upbringing that contained numerous practical and moral teachings.
But I couldn't have done any of that without my shrewd grandmother FIRST instilling common sense teachings in me PLUS the 100% support and involvement of their dad, who continues to play an active role in his sons' lives.
I formed the MICOMSA Network about 3 years ago as a result of the many like-minded black women who reached out to me over these years I've blogged here. They wanted to be a part of a support network of likeminded others. MICOMSA is an acronym for: My Intentional Community or Mutual Support Association. Over an 18-month span, about 50 women participated in our bi-weekly MICOMSA discussions. An actual network was officially formed comprised of women from across the country. Various codified tenets of the RUCOSS thought system were discussed, adopted, and practiced.
BUTTERFLITIA is a fictionalized story world I created and write about in which the teachings of the RUCOSS tenets and the network structure of MICOMSA come together and are used in daily life by the residents. The entire Butterflitia world is made up of a network of intentional communities where the multiracial, multicultural residents have created, committed to, and practice the new RUCOSS thought system that enables them and their offspring to realize their goals with the mutual support of committed others.
MICOMSA = NETWORK OF WOMEN
RUCOSS = Codified CULTURAL Thought System with many accompanying Practices written down in the Code Book
BUTTERFLITIA = FICTIONALIZED World which blends MICOMSA + RUCOSS in stories
I'd hoped MICOMSA could erect a physical intentional community in the DE/PA area where I live. We organized our first MICOMSA retreat in 2013 and met at the farm here. 15 women came, 3 of them from as far as California and Idaho. We enjoyed each other so much and had a lovely time. It was really an unbelievable, almost magical experience that changed ALL of us to an extent. However, only 2 of the members were ultimately able to relocate nearby. So since that time, I've continued to work on the Butterflitia series, but I let the real life goal (physical intentional community) of MICOMSA go dormant for now. I know that it will actually be for real one day because when I'm passionate about something, I never let it go. LOL I continue to nourish the seed.
However, I'm so THRILLED to report that some of these former MICOMSA members continue to travel great distances to spend time with each other. Some communicate often with each other via texts, emails, calls. They go out of their way to engage in social activities with each other. Three of them invited me to go with them during the Christmas holidays to see a play in NYC, but I couldn't go. They went and enjoyed spending the time with each other, solidifying their relationship. I got together with one of them locally for a late lunch a couple of times in the last couple of months. She talked excitedly about having a party/reunion at her house in 2016. They have benefited so much from what we all did by forming and participating in MICOMSA. I, also, continue to get together with a couple of MICOMSA members in my area. One of them is coming to spend a couple of days with me in April, here at the farm. We continue to reach out to each other when we need something. Just the other night, I put out a call to one of them in the DC area who supplied me with precise info about fun, interesting places in the DC area to take my relatives who are coming to visit me in June. She pointed out in detail how we could save money and maximize the time there. That is valuable info!
My point is that the spirit of MICOMSA lives!
Black women and Black American women, in particular, should commit to form and be an active member of high functioning support networks like this where the behavior and interaction ALWAYS supports uplift for those in the network.
However, this type of network is NOT for every black woman.
But a maximally or even moderately enhanced, enjoyable life is much more easily attained when you're supported by others with similar outlooks and goals. Becoming a participant in a network of this type is therefore more valuable to you than practically anything else, whether married or not, or to a partner of any group. As a black woman with this type of mindset, you have to be a part of creating that type of environment for yourself and similar others. Pre-Civil Rights blacks in this country had these networks. That type of network for black women was just taken for granted by blacks Down South at that time and even through the 1970s and maybe 1980s. Without these invisible networks, the Civil Rights Movement would have never, ever occurred.
Due to having lived inside two high functioning ethnic groups due to my marriages, I've witnessed very often how high functioning networks help the men and women in these ethnic groups--in big and small ways. I hear some black Americans coming up with all kinds of conspiracy theories about why various other ethnic groups are so successful in this country. One key part of the answer is simple to me. By virtue of their birth, ethnicity, choice, culture, religion, marriage, etc., virtually all members of these groups who zoom upward in their success, participate in and/or derive benefits from high functioning, though invisible to outsiders: NETWORKS. I've witnessed these networks in operation many times.
We chose to create a network with MICOMSA, and it still provides benefits to those who remain in contact.
Human beings are social animals. We weren't designed to survive and thrive solo. No amount of money or education is going to change that. YOU need like-minded others to bring their pieces to your puzzle to make it whole.